


what exit do we take again?

by probably



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Crack, Gen, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Minor Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, Space Ninjas, Team Dynamics, a healthy mix of crack and canon, intergalactic adventures, is it canon divergent if its an AU, it loosely follows canon events anywayz, juugo loves to smuggle space creatures much to everyone's chagrin, more tags, naruto is in hella debt, or lack of team dynamics, sasuke is broody, space travel, space trucker, suigetsu and karin get along JUST FINE, weird made up space creatures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-04-25 11:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4958617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/probably/pseuds/probably
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Team Taka work as intergalactic space truckers, transporting rare curiosities and probably contraband (they don’t really care) ((well, Juugo does)) through galaxies and dimensions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ok hear me out:
> 
> space trucker AU of team taka with a sprinkling of characters LOOSELY following canon (but ignoring gaiden)
> 
> its all i've ever wanted tbh 
> 
> anyway this is loosely based off james stokoe's amazing wonton soup with a sprinkling of rick and morty, go read it now (or watch it, respectively speaking) if you haven't. lots of liberties with space stuff and futuristic technology cause i know SQUAT about it.
> 
> EDIT: i condensed the first + second chapter bc they were the same timeline and i decided any new additions will be unrelated stories within this AU i guess whtev

“Take a left here.” 

“You’re reading the map wrong, it’s the next one!”

“I’m shocked you can tell the difference between left and right at all! And I’m the navigator, not you. Get back in your seat!”

Suigetsu Hozuki yelped as Karin violently shoved him backwards into the cab of the large spacetruck currently speeding through the dark recesses of space. The driver, Uchiha Sasuke, could not be bothered by whatever disagreement was happening between two of his sidekicks. He supposed they would be considered sidekicks. His dark eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he peered into deep space up ahead, pointedly ignoring the growing contention between Karin and Suigetsu.

Juugo, the fourth member of spacetrucker squad under the name Taka, implored in increasing volume for the two squabbling members to “just, please, just for one day, please…” 

For half a second, he took his eyes off the road in order to focus on his cohorts. “It’s LOUD, it’s TOO LOUD, I’m DRIVING,” he yelled repeatedly over the other three. Soon the whole cabin dissolved in a deafening buzz of insults, pleads for peace, and violent threats. At one point, no one was really sure what was coming out of whose mouth, it was so loud.

Suddenly, a stray comet came up in front of the windshield of the truck from Sasuke's blind side (no one was going to mention his eyes had been completely off the spaceway). Luckily for all passengers (and their cargo), Sasuke had a spotless driving record and excellent reflexes (and with one arm to boot). Sharply veering to the right, he managed to clear the rock and get back on track without so much a scratch on his vehicle. The petty argument between Suigetsu and Karin dissolved into “what the chumbumbling shit was that?” and “Sasuke you saved us!” and “do you see now how fragile and short our lives can be?” to which he responded with “Will everyone just shut the fuck up now that we almost just fucking died?”

And everyone did.

Honestly, he was just glad it was quiet again. (And for the record, Sasuke had taken that left four exits ago—if Karin hadn’t been glued to her mobile device and actually been paying attention, she would know. And don’t even get him started on Suigetsu.) He wondered briefly if he should say that out loud.

A glance from the corner of his eye revealed Karin to be feigning sleep, in an attempt to rid herself of all responsibility for Sasuke’s sour mood. If she tried hard enough, she could pretend she’d been asleep the whole time and thus played no part in any argument with that white haired crabbledingus and in turn distracted Sasuke from the road to the point where they almost met their untimely and tragic deaths.

They traveled in relative peace and quiet for about a half an hour until Sasuke felt a thump from the back of his headrest. It was Suigetsu.

“What,” he bit out, gritting his teeth.

A moment of silence, and then “I’m hungry. And tired.”

Karin opened one eye and peered at Sasuke, whose knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel. Juugo held his breath.

“Oh are you.” he replied evenly. It was more of a statement than a question.

Suigetsu, not picking up any of the unpleasant vibes emanating from the Uchiha yawned loudly. “Yeah. Like, dude, there’s a bustling station like one lightyear ahead. Can’t we just stop for the night and leave early tomorrow? We’re already super fucking ahead of schedule…” he knocked on the back of the cab, gesturing at the cargo. “S’not like this shit we’re carrying is alive and perishable like that one time. Phew, never again..”

Sasuke exhaled through his nose. Blinking a couple times, he realized he was a little sleepy. This wasn’t such a bad stopping point and like Suigetsu said, they could always leave early tomorrow. 

But he wouldn’t give the water based life form the pleasure of making a useful suggestion.

So he grunted.

 

\--

The lights of the station were garish and blinding compared to the darkness of space. Life forms of all kinds were speaking in different intergalactic languages all around him. They wouldn’t make it past their space quadrant for several hundred lightyears. Where the hell had they stopped?

Sasuke looked around; his team had already dispersed amongst the exotic food stands, mini markets, and storefronts. He sighed and glanced down at his wristwatch, holding back a deep yawn, and voicing a call command.

A hologram of a grey haired man in glasses emitted from the surface of his watch-face. “Hello, Sasuke. To what do I owe the pleasure at this fine hour?”

Sasuke chose to ignore the sarcastic bite in the hologram’s tired drawl. “Kabuto, I need two rooms at the cheapest inn. Our location is…” he paused briefly to look around and gather his bearings. None of the glaring neon signs helped. “…find out where our location is. We are just half a lightyear off spaceway 78, going north, exit 7A…” he took another cursory glance. “Lots of noodle shops…” His roaming eyes stopped at one that looked vaguely familiar.

Kabuto rolled his eyes and tapped his own watch face, which in turn radiated its own hologram, though the person was too small to distinguish from Sasuke’s perspective. It seemed a bit arbitrary, but Sasuke knew Kabuto had a small kink for the meta, and he wasn’t about to shame the man after asking for his assistance. After some time of staring blankly at the static-y image transmitting from his watch face, Kabuto turned back to Sasuke, adjusting his glasses, as people tend to do.

“Well, based on the tracking device on your spacetruck, it seems as if you’ve stopped in the quaint village known as Konohagakure—or Konoha for short…” Sasuke swallowed the urge to slam his forehead against the nearest wall until he died. “It houses many noodle shops. You are in fact, standing near their most famous: Ichiraku Ramen—my assistant Shin says it has a perfect 7 stars and outstanding Yarlp reviews. Also, I’ve booked you two rooms at the nearest inn—Konoha Inn--at 35 snerdges a night. So like, 70 snerdges in total as I’m assuming you’ll be leaving in the morning. Shin said he was a nice guy and receptive to haggling, so…take that as you will.” 

Sasuke sighed. 35 snerdges was a lot, and with--? But if that was the cheapest then who was he to complain, right?

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No, that should suffice.”

A smirk slowly made its way onto Kabuto’s face. “One more thing, the village is one of the major space ninja strongholds…but you probably already knew that. Enjoy home, Sasuke.”

\--

Of fucking course the bustling station they’d stop at, amongst hundreds of others along spaceway 78, would be Konoha. Of course. OF _course_. 

Sasuke quietly muttered a quick message into his watch to the rest of his team with the lodging information. They were all off galavanting, doing whatever it was they did on rest stops. Juugo was probably at the nearest tea stop (he could comfortably say that, now that he knew he was in Konoha), Suigetsu was probably enjoying a nice soak at the baths, and Karin always had the tendency to scout places to eat. They could always depend on her to bring food back to whatever inn they were staying at, as long as they paid up for their share. 

Sidestepping life forms here and there, he considered his surroundings. Konoha sure had changed since he’d last stepped foot in the station. It was kind of embarrassing to not have recognized it in the slightest considering he was born here. He pulled up the hood of his traveling jacket, realizing a little too late that Konoha citizens may recognize him…though this seemed to be a very touristy area of the station, what with all the garbled languages being spoken around him.

The further he walked from his garish starting point, the more familiar the station became. He peered in the windows of the darkened Yamanaka Organic Plant Matter Shop, passed by the Space Ninja Academy (it felt like eons ago that he’d graduated from there and been placed on Team 7 as the #1 rookie of the year, and then all that embarrassing avenger stuff, and then he came back, and then he became a roaming trucker…really it’s only been like 8 years), and paid homage to those lost in space at the chrome memorial stone planted near his old training grounds. 

He wondered what he’d say if he ran into his old comrades. Just then his watch lit up, alerting at all Taka members were en route to the meeting spot. He’d shelve his thoughts for later.

\--

The four of them reconvened in the square just outside of the parking unit (the place they first branched off to go do whatever)—it seemed to make the most sense to have them meet him in an area all were somewhat familiar with, considering none of them knew the station like Sasuke did. Not that he knew this was Konoha when he first got there but bygones will be bygones.

They walked in a small huddle, sometimes taking up the whole walkway, sometimes not, pointedly ignoring the glares and “share the fucking sidewalks” from fellow pedestrians. Sasuke breathed a small sigh of relief. It was good to be back in an area of a station where he understood the language, even though that meant entering into dangerous, might-get-recognized territory.

Suigetsu had a stick of fried dinglethorp dangling from his mouth, sucking at the sticky sauce and gnawing at the chewy meat—quite loudly. Karin made no effort to disguise her disgust at him. Juugo was looking off to the side, his cloak hanging off his shoulders in a protectve cape. Was he holding—no, was he PETTING something?

“Juugo I don’t think the inn will let us bring in space creatures.”

There was no response, though Juugo appeared to pet the stray ratcoon with increasing desperation—as if to get all the pets he could ever give this animal in his lifetime out all at once.

“Oi, I bet you could sneak that think in there under yer cloak…”

Karin whapped Suigetsu so hard he nearly lodged the skewer into his mouth. Good thing he could liquify his throat before it stabbed him. “You fucking idiot, don’t give him ideas! You KNOW what happened last time.”

Everyone except for Juugo collectively shuddered, flashes of furry lychee-like creatures native to Asteroid Belt 78 multiplying by the dozens on the hotel floor--

(Sasuke waking up to hundreds of them spilling out from his pillow case, “MOTHER OF ALL FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!?” He could only do so much with his one complete arm to swipe them off his body…there were just so many!)

(Suigetsu coughing and then screaming in horror as several of them discharged themselves from the hollows of his cheeks “HOW LONG WERE THEY IN THERE?!”)

(Karin shaving her head because they kept nesting and breeding in her thick mane. Juugo had calmly told her that “they’re attracting to the color red.” She sat on the floor covered in clumps of her red hair, shivering in trauma, when Suigetsu walked in “You could’ve just dyed your hair or something, why the drama?” and had he not liquified his stomach in time, he would’ve probably died from the the pair of scissors that Karin threw right at his midsection.)

(Juugo was sat in the corner, petting the Queen of the flock with his pointer finger.)

“Man, I can’t believe that was just one night.” Suigetsu broke the chain of shared memories. “And they were in the cab for weeks! Like fucking space glitter or some shit.”

“I promised you guys it wouldn’t happen again…” Juugo said, his tone laced with sincere apology. “But this here is just a ratcoon, and it requires two other ratcoons and several months of gestation to breed.”

Karin threaded her fingers through her hair, which had just recently grown to reach past her shoulders, huffed. “Stop trying to sell your weird creature hoarding to us!”

Suigetsu elbowed Juugo. “Ehh, I’d let you keep it. It’s just this fatass over here—“ he gestured to Karin, “—she’s taking up too much space in the cab. If we work together, we could probably—OW! WHAT THE FUCK YOU BITCH?!”

“That’s what you GET! FOR BEING! YOU!” She had shoved him into the middle of the road in front of oncoming traffic. The rest of Taka looked on as Suigetsu was nearly wiped out by several vehicles, but he was able to dodge them by merging with some murky puddles in a pothole. He came out unscathed much to the surprise of local pedestrians and the chagrin of Karin, who wanted to end him once and for all, smelling slightly of sewage and dripping an off-color liquid.

“One of these days…” he said, his eyes narrowed at Karin who met his glare with equal amounts of hatred. 

Sasuke rolled his eyes and forged on ahead. They were almost there, and then he would finally have his peace and quiet. Or so he thought.

\--

They had checked into Konoha Inn with relative ease, Sasuke opting to pay the 70 snerdges up front (well, in the end it had been 50…his mother would always send him on market trips and he had gotten good at haggling, whatever).

The next morning, they’d be able to slip out without having to settle their bill. Super efficient. 

And Juugo had sorrowfully let go of his ratcoon a couple alleyways back. Everyone looked away when they heard a short sob rip through the giant’s throat, and nobody said anything about the tear trails leading down his face.

“Probably just got some grime in his eyes,” mumbled Suigetsu. He’d learned the hard way to never acknowledge Juugo about his crying to his face. He had truly toed the line between life and death that night (several weeks ago, back in Quadrant F37—no planets, stations, or rest stops for lightyears. And all Juugo got was a Lite Frown of Disappointment from Sasuke as Suigetsu battled for his life. Feh!)

Anyway, they were all settled in their rooms just fine: Karin had her private room. Ever since the as-yet-unidentified lychee creature incident, she insisted on it. Suigetsu took the washtub. Juugo preferred the floor.

Leaving Sasuke with a double bed to himself. He collapsed onto the mattress and sighed. He was tired. Possibly too tired to eat. Closing his eyes, he felt himself drift off into—

BZZZZZZZZ BZ BZ BZZZZZ BZZZ

His eyes flew open not two seconds after he closed them, jumping ever so slightly from his relaxed position. It was his watch. Someone was calling him. He looked closer. 

Naruto was calling—

“Seriously?!” he said to no one in particular. He looked around the room. It was empty. Oh, nice, everyone left him to go eat in Karin’s, he deigned. Cool, no one thought to tell him or whatever. Even though just moments ago he was totally fine with going to bed without dinner. But that was no longer here nor there.

He “uggh’d” and commanded his device to put Naruto on speaker. He wouldn’t give the blond the satisfaction of becoming a hologram. “What,” was his clipped greeting.

“OI! BASTARD! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE PASSING THROUGH OLD STOMPING GROUNDS AND DIDN’T FUCKIN’ TELL ME, YA KNOW?! THAT’S KINDA FUCKED UP, YA KNOW? ANYWAY, OLD MAN TEUCHI OVER AT ICHIRAKU SAID ‘E SAW YOU, AND I WAS LIKE WHAT?!!! AND THEN INO SAID SHE SAW YOU NEAR HER FAMILY’S SHOP, YA KNOW, SO I DECIDED TO LOOK UP YER—“

Sasuke stared off into the distance as he tuned out his old comrade, who seemed physically incapable to speaking at a decent, indoor level. Also he was just awful. 

“—ANYWAY, WAS WONDERING IF YA WANTED TO LIKE GRAB A BIT OF BARBEQUE ‘ER WHATEVER, YA KNOW? CATCH UP AND WHATEVER, TELL ME ALL ‘BOUT THE ROAD ‘N STUFF!”

He signed. “Ok.”

There was a pause. 

“ALL RIGHT! THE OLD YAKI NAKU PLACE IS STILL THERE OFF MAIN AND 3RD, SEE YA! FUCK YA I’VE BEEN CRAVING YAKI NA—“ 

Sasuke hung up before Naruto could finish his sentence. He gathered his coat and made way to leave. He stopped in front of Karin’s and opened her door, revealing a fist fight between the her and Suigetsu, while Juugo faced a corner, slowly eating his noodles and pretending like the fight behind him wasn’t happening. Before the two could begin yelling to him to punish the other, Sasuke held up his hand.

“I’m going out to grab something to eat. Be ready to leave first thing tomorrow.”

As he slammed the door, Suigetsu, his hand painfully fisted in Karin’s hair and her knee lodged deep against his groin, turned to her in confusion. “I never knew, like what does first thing even mean?”

\--

Sasuke was glad that Naruto hadn’t gathered all of their former comrades together in a “Welcome Back Temporarily” party for the Uchiha. But he also judged the blond on his blatant selfishness. Feh, keeping the Uchiha all to himself when he knew damn well at least Sakura and Kakashi would probably want to see him. He crossed his arms and simmered at having to spend the evening with JUST Naruto.

“No Sakura or Kakashi, huh?” he said, even though he really didn’t care.

Naruto waved the question away, taking a bite of meat and chewing loudly. “She’s third shift today at the clinic, ya know, and Kakashi is…I dunno, he’s trying to convince Tsunade to take back the reigns as Hokage. Says we fucked him up real good with our shenanigans, ya know? Isn't fit to lead the station with his like, PTSD 'n stuff. I blame mostly you though,” he pointed his chopsticks at the brooding Uchiha.

“I never asked him to interfere.” He took a small bite of grilled Xicken. 

Naruto rolled his eyes. “Aaaaanyway. How’s space trucking? We haven’t seen you in, like, forever. Ever since you left AGAIN, ya know! You know how long it took me to fucking convince you to come back after you like went all crazy on us?!” 

He grunted. 

“Almost tried to kill me, like several times, ya know! I have a fucking bionic arm no thanks to you!” He waved his right arm, amputated mid-bicep, and replaced with shiny, well-polished bits and bobs. “And where’s yours?!” he gestured to Sasuke’s left arm—or stump, or whatever.

“Didn’t want one. Don't want one.”

“How do you even drive safely with one arm, ya know?”

“I probably drive better with one arm than you do with both.” He stopped to consider for a moment. “No, no. I definitely do.”

Naruto narrowed his eyes. “Bastard…don’t forget I met you punch for punch two years ago at the Valley of the End!”

Sasuke pff’d at the name. As a child, it really did seem like the end of the universe. Like the drop-off point for all life forms and matter and space rock, with nothing except for endless deep dark black: the opposite of existence, a vacuum of nothing. 

In reality, it was just the border between the Fire Quadrant and Sound (or Quadrant 06 and 87 respectively—he was a space trucker now, petty regional names no longer mattered to him.) In the past five years alone, he’s seen more of the universe—good, bad, and mostly ugly--than his child-self could ever have imagined. 

“Yeah, and I bet you’re still paying off your end of the debt for destroying the Hashirama and Madara monuments.”

That shut Naruto up real quick. It was true, he still owed Konoha 87,000 snerdges (a far cry from the initial 200,000) for his part of the destruction—no matter the fact that he had saved Konoha from sure destruction from the rogue space ninja gang Akatsuki (WHILE they were simultaneously hunting him, might he add)…

Not to MENTION saving every living being in the UNIVERSE from being sucked into their own personal wormhole that led them to an alternate dimension where their purest, deepest fantasies of true happiness played out thanks to some twisted idea of eternal world peace courtesy of SASUKE UCHIHA’S nearly immortal and insane ancestor and Konoha co-founder Madara and also THOUGHT TO BE DEAD Uncle Obito. And then there was some weird Space Goddess who was apparently the beginning of ALL THINGS, but he, Sasuke, and Sakura got rid of her pretty quick. THAT was fucking weird.

Anyway, the point was that he’d saved Konoha and then some in pretty substantial ways. Enough to get him out of this ridiculous debt or whatever. Couldn’t they just leave the ruins be and call them, well, ancient ruins or something? That had been his argument when Kakashi passed him the bill, unashamed and everything! 

(“Now, now, Naruto. We can’t just give you special treatment just because you saved the universe.”

 

“B-but!” he spluttered. He’d be DEAD before he paid this off! “What about Sasuke?!”

“He owed the same amount, although after liquidating his estate, he was able to bring the debt down about half. Sorry.”)

And then carrying highly illegal contraband for a couple months across quadrant borders (much to the distress of Juugo) quickly diminished that 100,000 snerdge debt to zero. Ahh, to be free once again!

Meanwhile Naruto had paid his share as an honest man: cutting corners, dedicating most of his mission payments to his monthly bill, renting out his extra room to people in need of cheap quarters. Basically living beneath the poverty level. A STINKIN' WAR HERO!. 

Sasuke’s voice interrupted Naruto’s bitter musings. “You’re lucky Tsunade made that arm for you pro bono…you have insurance, right?”

“Bastard, all space ninjas are guaranteed those benefits. But yeah, you’re right. For once.” He didn’t even want to THINK how in the hole he’d be if the old hag had decided to charge him. 

They talked until their table became littered with liquor bottles. Neither knew who had ordered initially, but it didn’t matter because it was all going in the same place anyway (their bloodstreams.)

“Like…why’dya even have t’leave in the first place?” Naruto burped, his cheeks ruddy with inebriation. 

Sasuke attempted to roll his eyes, but the alcohol was making it really difficult. He opted to just flutter his lids halfheartedly. “Y’know why—hic—I’d t’kill ….m’brother…”

“Fucked’p..y’know..y’know I like…love ya, y’know?”

“Mmm?”

“Like…like…love y’like fuck!” Naruto had somehow made his way to Sasuke’s side of the table and buried his face sloppily in Sasuke’s chest. “Just miss’y’smuch, y’know?”

Sasuke swayed and childishly petted Naruto’s hair. “Thurr’thurr…” he slurred. “S’kay. M’here now—hic—need water…” 

Eventually they paid their bill (in nuts and bolts—Naruto would be hearing about this in the morning) and left (stumbled), with Naruto somehow convincing Sasuke to crash at his place, for old times sake. Like, whatever, you know? Both ended up passing out immediately upon entering the doorway of Naruto’s apartment, with the latest tenant of his extra room stumbling out of their room curiously peering at the ruckus.

Both men were piled in a heap at the foyer. The tenant kicked them for good measure but they were unresponsive. He shrugged to himself and went back to bed.

\--

First thing the next morning, the three remaining members of Taka gathered in Karin’s room. Juugo had woken up expecting Sasuke to be getting ready to leave, but saw the bed empty and unused. Really strange. Had he come back at all last night?

“You guys think he’s okay?” he asked the other two with a hint of worry.

Suigetsu was not so forgiving. “I bet the bastard dumped us once and for all! His bed was made and everything. Probably left while we were still in Karin’s!”

Karin glared, unwilling to believe Sasuke would abandon them…let alone HER like that! She was the navigator, dammit! No self-respecting space trucker would drive through the deep expanses of the universe without at least a partner! “Idiot his stuff is still here! So he couldn’t have left!”

“Blablabla, like that means anything! The cargo is all that matters! He’s got the fucking keys! That guy is fucking brimming with cash, he doesn’t NEED any of this replaceable shit!”

Juugo frowned. “The tracking device says the truck is still here, so he couldn’t have left anyway…”

Karin stuck her tongue out victoriously at Suigetsu.

“Yeah, yeah, whatEVER. That still leaves us with WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!?”

“Let’s wait it out, and then if he doesn’t come by the afternoon, we put out a…” suggested Juugo.

“No WAY! We can’t get the truck searched dude! We’d be DONE FOR! I say, we wait til the afternoon, and if he’s not here, we book it!”

“WITH WHAT KEYS, MORON?!”

\--

By 2pm that day, Sasuke and Naruto blearily woke up, sobered from the night before, with pounding headaches making it difficult to do anything without wanting to vomit. 

“Idiot…” Sasuke croaked through his dry throat.

“Wha—what time is it?” Naruto said, clutching his head in anguish.

Sasuke’s eyes widened as he glanced at his watch. TWO IN THE AFTERNOON?! He bolted up quickly at the rush of adrenaline upon realizing he was 9 HOURS LATE from departing Konoha, but that was mistake because he quickly doubled over onto his hands and knees and vomited all over the floor.

“You’re gonna…have to clean that up,” groaned Naruto from the floor.

“M’so late, auuuuughhh!”

He weakly brought the watch face up to his mouth and commanded the device to call Karin, who flickered into static-y existence halfway through the first ring.

“SASUKE! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” she shrieked. Suigetsu materialized next to her. 

“Yooooooo~ you got WAAASTED last night, didn’t you? WOAH! Is that NARUTO?!”

“WE ARE SO FUCKING LATE!” Karin screamed, shoving Suigetsu out of the way.

The image of two tiny holograms dancing around in front of him made him want to throw up. He choked. “I don’t…” swallow “…I don’t think I’m fit to drive today.”

He moved his wrist out of his line of vision and grabbed the nearest receptacle (“Bastard that’s my SHOE!”) and threw up. He could vaguely hear sounds of disgust coming from Suigetsu and Karin and Juugo scolding them in the background (“Guys, we’ve all thrown up before, don’t be so cruel.”)

All of Taka knew Sasuke was the only one qualified to drive the spacetruck, and passing the responsibility in the name of making a deadline was one risk they were NOT going to take. He’d just have to sacrifice and drive a couple nights all the way through to make it in time to their destination.

“Gimme a day,” he grumbled, pressing his cheek into the cold tile of the floor.

When he got over this hangover, Suigetsu was dead fish meat. After all, stopping at this ‘bustling nondescript station’ was all his idea.

“Listen, all I’m sayin’ is if it were any of us to get so hungover that we couldn’t even fucking sit up without wanting to fucking vomit…” Suigetsu sneered as he stepped over the pale, lifeless body of Sasuke, who all but half-groaned in defense as he dragged his heavy, heavy body into a kind of sitting position against the couch.

Karin pushed up her glasses, outwardly offended that he would even THINK to imply that Sasuke was behaving in a Very Hypocritical Manner at the moment. She wouldn’t for a million years admit that she agreed 100% with the watery idiot.

Juugo looked up from his perch in the foyer, having just cleaned up the last of Sasuke’s crusted over throw-up. “Guys, it would’ve taken me half the time to clean this up if you had helped…maybe even less…”

Suigetsu scoffed and Karin made a yakking noise. “Like HELL!” they both said (or variations of it, at least.)

Juugo sighed and got up to wash his hands.

From the other end of the apartment, Naruto came bounding out into the living room, fully recovered and ready to take on the day. “OI! BASTARD NEVER COULD HOLD HIS LIQOUR, YA KNOW?” he yelled at the highest volume humanly possible (or that’s what it sounded like to Sasuke) and patted Sasuke on the back, causing Sasuke to dry heave.

Luckily there was no longer anything in his body TO throw up, so, with teary eyes, he just rode it out. After a couple minutes of sheer agony, he grimaced at the blond. 

“Go fuck yourself,” he groaned, which went completely ignored by the blond, who was already halfway out the door. He had a couple missions that day, after all. Had to pay off that debt somehow!

Suigetsu crossed his arms, leaning against a wall. “Great, so now we’re stuck here until Uchiha over here comes back from the dead.”

“This is all your fault Hozuki!” Karin snapped. “If you hadn’t been so damn irritating last night and forced him to stop here, we wouldn’t be in this situation! You just HAD to complain when you’re perfectly capable of sleeping in the cab!”

Suigetsu’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Oh you have GOT to be fucking kidding me. It’s MY fault? My fucking fault this guy decided to drink his liver into nonexistence because I wanted to stop for the night!” He pointed an accusing finger at the lump on the floor. “Can you at least TRY to not be so fucking far up his ass?! Like, it’s so obvious he and that blond dolt have some weird, fucked up….THING going on and you’re over here dusting away his tracks! Like what the fuck?!”

“Like you’re one to talk!! We all have our reasons for being here, you included! ‘Oh, I’m Suigetsu, I want to be on Sasuke Uchiha’s side forever and ever’ blah blah blah.”

In the kitchen, Juugo prepared tea, bringing out a tray for the sad, withered Uchiha and himself to share. He pinned Karin and Suigetsu with an expressionless stare. “You two should really stop shouting. It might speed up his recovery.”

The quiet suggestion effectively shut them up, both red at the ears and the face for one reason or another. It was true, every member of Taka joined Sasuke’s space trucking crew for their own reasons, and even Sasuke sought them out selfishly as well. 

But it was one thing to internalize that, and another to have it shouted out at the top of their lungs.

So, Sasuke moaning in the background, the glue to their dysfunctional but close-knit team, they sat in silence.

\--

It was seven hours later when they heard the low frequency pinging coming from Sasuke’s watch. Suigetsu was rifling through Naruto’s personal belongings, pocketing small things here and there, Karin was taking a bath, and Juugo was perched on the chair facing the couch, keeping watch over Sasuke who was fast asleep.

That is until, you know, the call. 

All members stopped breathing simultaneously in their respective posts.. They recognized that tone, that frequency, that urgent ding-ding-ding. And without being prompted, a hologram of Kabuto appeared from the face of Sasuke’s wristwatch.

He opened his mouth to begin speaking, but Sasuke was quick to slam his wrist onto the coffee table, effectively shattering the device to disuse.

Juugo froze. “Sasuke did you just…”

“Mmsleeping,” he grumbled, shaking off the cracked pieces from his wrist and turning over. His hangover had long since past, but Naruto had a really comfy couch. His bed was even better, but the couch would suffice for now.

“You just…”

Karin wandered in, her body wrapped in a towel. “Did I just hear something break?”

Juugo pointed silently at the watch. Or basically their direct line to the Sound Shipping HQ…as in their bosses. 

She nearly dropped her towel in horror. “Are you…are you fucking kidding me?!” she squeaked, kneeling in front of the shards of metal. “Sasuke! What the FUCK were you thinking!?” she said sharply. 

His back shrugged in response.

“You’re the only one who can contact them!”

Yet another shrug, except this time, he turned his head so his face was seen in profile. You could see just the faintest hint of a frown marring his brow.

“Orochimaru’s enterprise will survive. And to cover our tracks, we’ll dent up the ship and say some idiot space ninjas did it while we were sleeping because they recognized the Sound icon on the cab. Took a day to repair the damage because the air filtration systems were affected. We expedite the rest of the trip, our receivers get their shipment like maybe a couple hours late. Boohoo.”

Juugo stared at Sasuke’s back with a flat expression. “So you’re saying…deliberately damage the spacetruck and deliver the shipment late.”

Sasuke turned his head so that he was looking back fully at his gentle cohort. “Yeah. Also, could you actually replace the air filtration? It’s been overdue for a bit. And it’ll make our story look more convincing. Maybe you could get Naruto to do it. I have a couple snerdges in my wallet you could toss his way for the effort.” He nestled into the crook of the couch, mumbling to himself. “Kaguya knows he needs the money…may that insufferable monster rest in pieces…”

“Sasuke…” Juugo could hardly mask the reluctance in his voice.

“Once again we are tangled within another of Sasuke’s elaborate web of lies,” sang Suigetsu as he came in from another room, clad in a bright orange jumpsuit that clashed wildly with his bluish tone. “Seriously, who let this guy be the leader?!”

“My LICENSE did you wet fuck,” replied Sasuke. He clutched his head at the incoming headache. So maybe he wasn’t over this hangover. “Ugh, can you all just please…disperse or something?”

“Oh no no!” Karin said. “We’re not going ANYwhere until you’re okay to drive. I still can’t believe you got drunk last night! Enough to incapacitate you for a whole fucking DAY!” 

Suigetsu sneered. “Can you at least put some clothes on then? I’m about this close to gouging out my eyes.”

“LIKEWISE, you ugly FUCK.”

\----

 

A week later Taka closed their shipment and had made their way back to Sound Shipping HQ. It was smooth sailing from there, and Sasuke made a point to bypass Konoha on the return trip.

When they arrived, all members were ready to get their asses handed to them, so were surprised to hear Orochimaru dismiss them, asking only to speak with Sasuke. No objections were made, though. Suigetsu dissipated into the air before the CEO could even finish his sentence. It was one of those rare moments of Orochimaru displaying humane tendencies…why question it?

And so it was just Sasuke, Orochimaru, and Kabuto all in the presidential office, overlooking a beautiful expanse of space and the many docks for the various spacetrucks in his employ.

“How is it that no matter how many precautions we have you take, there is always some type of crisis. We thought better of you Sasuke.” Kabuto’s glasses flashed in the way glasses tended to do as they caught the light, his pointer finger nudging them up his nose. 

“And I’m not even going to mention the blatant lie about Konoha hooligans causing enough damage to our state of the art spacecraft to render Taka immobile for a day.” His lips pursed in irritation. Because, well, WANTED to mention it.

“However, what I can’t look past are the hundreds of DENTS all over your truck. That’s vandalization! I work HARD to engineer those machines to withstand the harshest conditions in space and you DELIBERATELY—” Kabuto had reached his boiling point. He couldn’t even finish his sentence. He felt a hand reach out to touch his forearm. It was Orochimaru, the CEO of Sound Shipping.

“That’s enough, Kabuto.”

Kabuto stared incredulously at the pale man sitting beside him, as the driver of Taka shamelessly awaited his punishment. Although, by any indication of Orochimaru’s reaction to the debacle, it looked like he was YET AGAIN going to get off scott-free.

“Sasuke, I’m not angry…”

The young man in question knew where this was going and struggled to keep his eyelids from fluttering in an over-exaggerated eyeroll.

“…I’m just disappointed.”

Kabuto bit his tongue, not wanting to oppose the head of the company. But also, this clear favoritism just had to go. That Uchiha wasn’t even remorseful! He literally threw out his responsibilities and made a late delivery just for some good old rollicking fun with the problematic and obnoxious Uzumaki kid.

Sasuke made a face where, if you tried hard enough, if you REALLY reached for it, it might be considered apologetic in SOME cultures. “Yeah…sorry.”

“SORRY?! THAT—THAT’S ALL YOU GOT IS SORRY?!” Kabuto’s calm demeanor was slowly cracking. The nerve of that little—he turned away, overcome with disbelief. Like, seriously???? 

Orochimaru sighed. “Just see to it that it never happens again.” He sipped at his glass of water and turned to his assistant. “Kabuto. If your going to make a scene, please just see yourself out.”

He set his glass down with a loud thud that echoed throughout the large office. He glanced at Sasuke as if seeing him for the first time. “Did I not dismiss you?”

Sasuke turned to leave immediately, and as soon as he was on the other side of the door, let loose the biggest eyeroll of his life. He could care less about being disciplined by Orochimaru or chastised by Kabuto. Taka was the most profitable team of the company, so yeah…he’d fuck up their spacetrucks if he wanted. 

He entered Taka’s resting quarters, immediately swarmed by his the other members. Ok, swarmed by just Karin and Suigetsu. Juugo stayed behind, only slowly approaching at a safe distance behind the other two.

“What happened, ya fuck? Did he believe you? Did he believe the story?”

“You don’t look injured, did he just want a debriefing? Are you getting a replacement mobile device?”

“We’re not fired are we? If I’m fired because of you I’ll fucking kill you. I’ll kill you AND that idiot space ninja freak. I’ll throw you into space. I’ll fucking lock you into a ship and drain the air pressure. I’ll--”

Sasuke flopped down onto an empty chair and yawned, his legs draped over the armchair. Oh, how he wished he had a chaise to rest on. “Nobody’s getting fired. He just gave me that weird dad speech, you know, ‘I’m not angry I’m disappointed’ bullshit. Whatever. Seemed more irritated at Kabuto than me, so. Whatever.”

Juugo cocked his head. “I have been hearing rumors about some disagreements between the two. I suppose timing was on our side.”

Suigetsu made a face. “OUR mishap??? This was all Uchiha. Like, you’d have to REALLY reach to shift blame in this one.”

“YOU’RE the one who suggested that space station, because your sorry ass couldn’t handle another night of sharing the cab space. Next time I’ll bring a water bottle so you can just fucking liquify and stay in there.”

Suigetsu sneered. “Oh real clever, ugly. How long did it take for you to come up with that one?”

Sasuke sighed loudly, a headache forming already from his obnoxious companions. “I got a new timepiece back in Konoha. Same number. Don’t tell anyone though. I don’t want people to bother me. ESPECIALLY your idiot cousin.” He glanced at the new device strapped to his wrist, picturing the blond who seemed to be the root of all his headaches. Was it the brightness of the guy? Or just his generally sunny personality? Whatever the case, he was the worst.

Telling Karin to keep his contact information from reaching Naruto was futile, though, because moments later his watch sprung to life with message after message after message backlogged from the day he left Konoha.

_Aye, WYD????_

_U THERE???????????_

_U ALIVE???????_

_Can’t believe u didn’t tell me u were leavin konoha when u left man I woulda say bye and everything nd maybe then some ;););) why u gotta do this everytime!!!_

_Sakura is so mad at u she mad at me 2 for not stopping by the clinic when u were here ur lucky u out of town_

_Sasuke u ther??????_

_Helo_

_HELLO!_

_SAUSKE!!!!!!!!!_

_Oh shit I think u left ur timepiece here its all shattered wait does this mean u havent been getting my messges LOL damn smh_

_It been like 4 days u for real still w/o a piece lol u sure u alive this is not the sasuke I know_

_Had a dream bout ur dick last night oh my god I didn’t want 2 wake up anyway come visit soon ;);) or I can visit but u have 2 prmise me ur weird friends will stay out of my BUSINESS esp that weirdo merman!!!! I h8 him!!!_

Sasuke fought the urge to destroy his timepiece yet again. He quietly spoke back a reply to send to Naruto’s seven thousand messages.

_Idiot._

He closed his eyes and pictured Taka’s upcoming shipment schedule. He was sure he could fit in a couple overnight visits to Konoha. This time with less alcohol and more…other stuff.


	2. voyage to sound shippping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how naruto and sasuke became naruto&sasuke
> 
> or
> 
> sasuke leaves konoha for the second time (for good)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey it me again w more space au whateveaaaaa
> 
> here is a small snippet of sasuke leaving konoha to become space trucker
> 
> more taka-themed adventures will follow but i wanted 2 establish the sns aspect of this au bc like even tho its background i want it to be a lil more than implied BUT pls dont expect this to be centered around them
> 
> this is Taka-centric 98% of the time

“What do you MEAN you’re leaving Konoha to become a space trucker?! And for OROCHIMARU no less? Have you no RESPECT that saying such a thing might NEGATIVELY TRIGGER ME?!”

Sasuke grimaced as Naruto practically spit out his mouthful of food, spilling his ramen bowl for extra measure all over the counter as he flailed his arms about. 

“What do you MEAN what do I mean?” he asked.

Naruto sighed loudly, annoyed that Sasuke didn’t seem to understand his confusion. Because seriously, he literally JUST dragged his BEST friend back from the proverbial black hole of pure insanity. He lost an arm and EVERYTHING. “You KNOW what I MEAN!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Listen with your ears, idiot: I’m leaving Konoha to become a space trucker. There’s no hidden meaning, it’s pretty cut and dry. Besides, I’m not LEAVING-leaving, but I’m also not, well, staying. Plus, my estate covered only half my debt for destroying the Valley of the End monuments. And there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to cover the rest with the meager D-rank missions that I’ve gotten clearance for.”

“But like…Orochimaru…” he whined.

“…the situation is completely different. I’m regrouping with Taka to work under Orochimaru. It’s not like I’ll be his personal assistant or—“ Sasuke stopped himself and glared. “—why am I even explaining myself to you, I made my decision and that’s it!”

Before the blond could finish his protests, especially about Taka because like wow thanks Sasuke for asking HIM to join him on his space trucking adventures, Sasuke got up in a huff and stalked away, giving Naruto the finger from his one arm in the process. He had bags to pack anyway.

“WILL YOU VISIT?!” he called out.

Sasuke held up his arm from the distance in a “who knows” manner, but quickly changed it to a thumbs-up as he walked away, which created a very cool looking scene when observed by any third party. But it was the least he could do, leaving Naruto with the bombshell that he did at such short notice. He would visit. Maybe. Probably. It’s not like he made a promise.

\--

Sasuke met Taka at the entrance of Konoha, the vast expanse of space spread out before him (well, through the windows at least.)

“You have the truck?” he asked, greeting Suigetsu and Juugo with a nod as he approached Karin, hitching his duffel bag further up his shoulder.

“Yeah, it’s parked in dock C7, sorry it took so long,” she tossed him a set of keys. “I hate driving and I’m technically not licensed, so. Had to be extra careful in case there were any patrollers.

“Literally the most painfully boring experience of my life. I could’ve ridden an asteroid to Konoha and back at the pace she was going. Didn’t even let me open the windows to sightsee!” 

“I GET DISTRACTED EASILY! BE GLAD YOU’RE EVEN ALIVE!”

Sasuke closed his eyes at the sound of Karin throwing Suigetsu into the truck and kicking him into the floormats. “And STAY DOWN THERE!” she screeched.

As he helped Juugo load his small load of possessions into the cab, he heard footsteps pattering from behind. Turning around, he saw it was Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi. His old team. Sai was there too, but like…

The two dark haired men regarded each other silently and without expression. And that was all.

“Sasuke! We just wanted to say bye!” Sakura smiled, waving and running up to the dock. 

“Okay,” he replied, pursing his lips and lifted his arm. “Well, bye.”

Sakura rolled her eyes and gathered him into a suffocating hug. “You dolt. Have fun and please visit often!”

He felt two more weights attached themselves to him, presumedly Kakashi and Naruto. Naruto must’ve been the one squeezing the hardest. 

“That’s 100,000 snerdges you owe” he heard Kakashi whisper in his ear. As if he wasn’t already well aware.

And even though after several minutes Kakashi and Sakura let go, Naruto held on tight…For several more minutes. Not saying anything, just hugging it out, as pals tend to do. Finally, upon letting go, Naruto gripped him at the shoulders and looked him in the eye: “You’re my best friend.”

A sharp cough could be heard in the background.

Aaaaand that was Sasuke’s cue to exit the premises. Because after all that, after all the fighting and drama and chasing and general mayhem; after witnessing the near collapse of the universe, ready to implode on itself, and forcing it back from the brink of destruction; after losing an arm and 12 years of carefully cultivated hatred within himself…

…they were still just BEST FRIENDS.

At first Sakura reassured him that Naruto was still notoriously oblivious to anything outside the confines of ‘platonic love,’ but it was all there! He just needed to realize it, she said. He just needed some time, some perspective, were her words.

Well he was going to give him perspective! And space! Also he was going to pay off his debt, but that wasn’t the point.

He punched Naruto in the shoulder as buddies do and got up into the main cab of the space truck where the rest of Taka were currently occupied with various snacks, sitting arrangements, and maps. Giving one final half-hearted wave to his former team, he pulled out of the dock and into the infinite space beyond the station, headed due west for Sound Shipping HQ.

\--

Back at Konoha Naruto watched the space truck get smaller and smaller as it travelled into the distance. He didn’t know why, but he felt empty. 

So empty that he waited all but 7 seconds to message Sasuke: 

_Cum back I miss u_

And even thought it was bad etiquette and more than dangerous to read messages while operating a spacecraft, Sasuke did it anyway, maneuvering his one arm to grip the wheel in a way that had his mobile device on his wrist facing towards him. He snorted.

He didn’t reply until he knew for sure Taka was fast asleep. And when he did, he gave the coordinates for their planned rest stop.

Maybe Naruto realized his importance earlier than he originally expected.

\--

Juugo was the first to awaken, his body realizing the space truck had stopped and was currently sitting in a darkened dock in some unknown space station. He glanced around, trying to glean clues from his surroundings but could find none. 

His next move was to check all members of Taka were present. Suigetsu, check. Karin, check. Sasuke….He frowned. Where was Sasuke?

He shook Karin and Suigetsu awake, both unhappy to be awoken from their slumbers. Karin looked at her timepiece. “It’s the fucking middle of the night, Juugo. What’s the issue?”

He wasn’t sure how to word this. “Sasuke’s gone.” 

Suigetsu was still blinking away his sleep, but looking around he began to understand the situation. “What the flying fuck! That fucking—“

“Guys, guys,” Karin unfolded her glasses and set them on her nose. “There’s gotta be an explanation. Maybe he stopped and didn’t want to wake us. He’s probably at a…motel..or…” 

Suigetsu sneered. “Oh yeah, like that’s any better. Sasuke got himself a room but left us to fucking possibly FREEZE in this goddamned dock. Nice. Thanks Uchiha. Remind me to thank the bastard.”

Karin glared, but knew he was right. “Well what are we supposed to do?! The keys aren’t even here!” She looked between juugo and Suigetsu.

“I say we go out and look for the bastard and like, I don’t know, beat him up or something.”

“Or we could just call him,” suggested Juugo quietly. He wondered why he didn’t do that in the first place. Because at this point, anything was better and probably more constructive than the current situation.

“I think we should take both of those ideas, and put them together. Maybe let’s go out, NOT beat up Sasuke because PLEASE, as if. And call him too. So we can meet him halfway.”

Suigetsu rolled his eyes. He was already halfway out of the cab when he stopped and turned back, holding his finger up to his lips. An impish smile made its way across his face.

“What is it,” Karin hissed, craning her neck over Suigetsu’s arm as he propped the door open. 

Her eyes followed where his hand was pointing. In the shadows, a couple hundred feet away, was a space craft marked with the Konoha leaf symbol. It was shaking violently, windows condensed with steam, and if you listened hard enough, some questionable sounds (of the sexual nature) could be heard escaping the insulated chrome walls.

“Oh fuck. Oh fuc-FUCK. Sasuke you’re so fuckihhn hggnnh”

“Is that all you got you waste of space?!”

“Please keep talking shit oh my fucking god.”

Karin covered her mouth, eyes widened in shock, as she saw an all too familiar hand reach up from within the Konoha spacecraft , slap the window, and slide down, creating a trail as it broke through the steamy condensation.

Suigetsu let out a sharp yelp of laughter and Juugo was turned away, thoroughly scandalized and regretting ever waking up in the first place.

“What the FUCK are we supposed to do now?!” whispered Karin.

\--

Several hours later, the members of Taka were still wide awake, alarmed that the spacecraft didn’t seem to let up in activity. The joy of their voyeurism lost its novelty after the second or third round, and by the seventh, hearing the jostling of the nearby truck was just plain exhausting.

“And we expect him to drive for the whole day after this,” said Suigetsu to no one in particular. His stare was blank and aimless. In fact, all of their facial expressions were.

No one noticed the door of the other truck opening, and the hushed goodbyes and insults thrown about and the engine starting on the other truck and the dock door opening to allow the other truck to leave. 

But they all noticed when they heard the front door open. Everyone jumped in surprise at the loud sound, after being surrounded by deafening silence and muffled sounds of sexy time in the distance. 

Karin was the first to speak, letting out a louder than normal forced laugh. “Sa-Sa-Sasuke! Ha ha ha we were all wondering where you…uh…went?”

He regarded her blankly. “I needed a bathroom break.” He got in as if nothing had transpired the past 10 hours and started the space truck.

“Riiiiiight,” Juugo said carefully.

It was an hour of silence on the spaceway until Suigetsu simply Could No Longer Take It. 

“WE TOTALLY HEARD YOU FUCKING THAT UZUMAKI KID IN THE DOCK YOU SICK FUCK LIKE NEXT TIME GET A FUCKING ROOM OR AT LEAST WAKE US UP SO WE CAN LEAVE LIKE COME ON!”

Sasuke gripped the wheel a little tighter and the corner of his mouth perked up ever so slightly into a smirk. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”


	3. emigmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just me again making up stuff abt space 
> 
> our taka friends transport a mysterious creature that does some weird things and its upsettng for all of them but esp juugo

Juugo knew something was up when he walked into the loading dock and immediately a hush fell over Kabuto, Sasuke, and Orochimaru. If he could go back in time to prevent himself from taking those few steps forward to join his team on this shipment…if he could’ve just called in sick, maybe. 

“I think my seal is acting up,” he could’ve said. “You guys go on without me.”

And he could’ve stayed in his little apartment within the Sound space station, spending quality time with his pets and plants, none the wiser of the chaos that would befall them in just a day’s time.

What actually happened, though, began as any routine shipping mission. He stepped forward, only kind of aware (actually REALLY aware) of the side glances, the averted eyes when he would turn his head, and the tiny coughs to break up the unbearable silence. 

“Juugo, we already loaded the truck. You can just go sit inside. I have a couple things to discuss with Kabuto,” said Sasuke, his pointed stare not allowing for anything but obedience. Juugo complied, and tucked away any questions he had on the blistering burns decorating Sasuke’s forearms, or the singed patches of hair on Kabuto’s head. Orochimaru was suited up in what looked like fire proof coveralls. He had his image to maintain after all. But why?

Maybe a fight?

He got into the truck to find Karin and Suigetsu rifling through Sasuke’s pouch of money. They stopped at the sound of the door opening, expressions of guilt at being caught and anger at being interrupted equally painting their faces.

Suigetsu threw the pouch back into the front seat and scooted to the side. “You just get here?” he asked.

Juugo nodded. 

“Well, lucky you! We almost died getting the cargo into the back,” Karin huffed, crossing her arms and closing her eyes. An exhausted sigh escaped her as she smoothed down her hair. “Well, the guys almost died. I had to go in and save them,” she said, examining her nailbeds.

Suigetsu rolled his eyes. “Fucking Karin over here does something useful ONCE and fucking talks about it as if it’s the first time anyone’s ever like fucking…I don’t know…taken a shit or something.”

He dodged a punch (well, he merely collapsed into a puddle of water momentarily as her fist collided with his face but like, you know…)

“And I didn’t need to be saved,” he emphasized. “I am perfectly immune to fire and any fire-conducti-- “

Juugo didn’t care much about the conversation up until this point. Fire? “What exactly are we shipping?” he asked. Surely anything legal for trade couldn’t be that dangerous.

Unless…

“What…what exactly are we transporting?” he asked. Sasuke and Kabuto were definitely giving him curious glances when he arrived. And the burns. And the singed hair. 

Karin averted her eyes. “Well…” she started.

“Just don’t worry about it, everything’s FINE,” Suigetsu finished, clapping Juugo on the shoulder. 

The giant man was unable to get another word in as Sasuke opened the door and slid into the drivers seat. “Ready to go?” he asked, looking behind his shoulder. Had Juugo been able to go back in time to tell his past self what was to happen in the near future, well, he could’ve taken this opportunity to tell Sasuke that, actually, no, he wasn’t ready to go. And he could’ve excused himself from the premises. He had a stomach ache, a migraine, and had to call this trip in, unfortunately. But safe travels, and he would see them when they came back.

But, that simply wasn’t what happened, and Juugo stayed silent as the spacetruck purred to life. As they entered the darkness of space, he could only look at the encompassing blackness and compare it to the sinking feeling residing at the very bottom of his stomach. 

Oh, he didn’t like this at all.

\--  
It was only several hours in, approximately 400 lightyears into their journey, when things started to get weird.

Juugo had thought it was his imagination when he felt the air within the cab get heavier. Was that a fog developing between he and Suigetsu, whose face was mere feet from his? He swiped the air with his hand in an effort to cut the dense atmosphere.

“Hey, is it just me or is the cab getting…foggy?” he swiped more, rapidly increasing the speed in order to keep up with the encroaching fog.

Karin turned around to answer Juugo only to be met by a dense cloud. “What the--?”

“Suigetsu is this some kind of sick joke? Because I just wanted to remind you that I’m DRIVING and I NEED to SEE,” a voice made its way from where the driver’s seat was located and into the ears of the three other passengers. It sounded a lot like Sasuke, although the increasing fog muffled it greatly. 

“Ok, like, as much as I want to take credit for this, it’s not me. This isn’t even water vapor. It’s….something….else? Almost like…smoke?” 

Juugo was beginning to feel claustrophobic. “Whatever it is, can we get it out of here? My blood pressure is going way up and I’m starting to spiral.”

“Fucking hell! Where did this come from?!” 

“Karin, you think if we knew we’d be able to do a thing or two about it!”

“Can we all just stop yelling? I’m trying to do my breathing exercises, please?”

“I CAN’T SEE THE FUCKING SPACEWAY.”

“What the HELL is going on!? Why does everyone sound so far away?!”

The interior of the cab was slowly descending into madness, all four passengers speaking over each other in varying volumes and pitches. Arms reached out and into the respective spaces of others from within the dense fog, which now reached its full opacity level. You had to literally be holding your finger in front of your face to see anything.

Sasuke had slowed the space truck down to what felt like a tiny crawl. Barely moving. He might have actually just completely stopped the cruiser. 

He gripped the steering wheel with his hand tightly, as if it were going to give him some kind of mental leverage as he faced the general direction of the rest of the crew. “This is so fucked up,” he stated. “And I’m fucking over it.”

Suigetsu rolled his eyes, although no one could see and crossed his arms. “You know, you act like you’re the only one inconvenienced by this. We can’t see either!”

“I’m fucking driving.”

“Yeah no shit, but that doesn’t mean—“

The spacetruck swerved sharply as Sasuke’s emotions overtook his reasoning for few seconds. He was so mad. How could Suigetsu just brush aside the fact that he had all their lives in his hands, plus the cargo that was currently sitting in the trailer? There was a whisper in his brain: ‘teach him a lesson,’ it hissed from within.

He swerved again, and disjointed yelps and shrieks could be heard through the thick fog.

“YEAH! HOWD’YA LIKE THAT YA SHITFACE?!” Sasuke yelled. “I CAN’T SEE BUT WHATEVER! NO ONE CAN! IT’S ALL EQUAL!!!! RIGHT????? CAN’T SEE BUT EXCUSE ME FOR COMPLAINING! JUST DRIVING HERE! MEANWHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST SNOOZIN’ AWAY--”

He swerved again. Another whisper in his mind urged him to slow down, pull over, maybe figure out what’s causing the cab to get so condensed and foggy? But for the love of nebulae please slow down.

“Suigetsu can you just apologize to Sasuke,” said someone. At this point, the voices were so muffled, no one could distinguish anyone (unless it was Sasuke screaming/apologizing for saying he couldn’t see.)

Suigetsu pftt’d and then yelled out: “As IF! The insane motherfucker can crash this baby into an asteroid for all I care! You know he won’t though because he and that Uzumaki have some weird fucking blood pact or whatever! I AIN’T WORRIED!”

Suddenly, the fog lifted; dissipated from the cramped surroundings as if had never existed. In it’s place was a thick, awkward silence.

“Okay, like that’s great that that fucking weird-ass fog is gone but…”

“What. The fuck,” Karin breathed out, finishing Suigetsu’s sentence. She brought her hands to her face. They were shaking with adrenaline, and bloodied. “Why…is there blood on my hands?”

She looked up at Suigetsu and screamed. He too, was covered in blood.

In fact, they all were. 

And this time when the space truck started swerving, it wasn’t because Sasuke was being petty, but because he was actually genuinely freaking the fuck out while attempting to maintain vehicular composure.

He sped into the next exit and straight into the nearest space station. As they sat parked in the loading dock, he unhooked his seatbelt and turned to his companions, all silent and traumatized and covered in dark red blood.

“Guys, I know I say this everytime, but I mean it this time. I’m going to fucking KILL Orochimaru.”

“Are you saying this has something to do with what we’re transporting?” asked Juugo, scratching away at crusted over rivulets of blood.

“He said it was dormant!” protested Karin. 

Suigetsu rolled his eyes. “Since when is anything that snake says actually trustworthy?! The only thing I can depend on from him is to cut my checks. That’s. IT! Plus like, didn’t it try to set us on fire earlier??? Can it change powers or something, the fuck?!”

“What exactly are we carrying?” Juugo tried to quell his curiousity earlier, but now…he absolutely needed to know.

Sasuke sighed, wiping his hand over his face, which did nothing but spread blood around. “It’s some kind of…space creature from a different dimension or whatever. It’s going to some royal court in Quadrant 23.We’re dropping it off at a check point. To be honest, I think there’s some weird kill plot happening. But like I’ve never heard of it doing something like this.”

Karin looked horrifed. “You mean this…thing that nearly burnt us to a crisp and then just fogged up our cab and like, somehow covered us with BLOOD is going to be complicit in some fucked up royal family assassination?! Like it can actually kill us?! Sasuke what the FUCK?!”

“Oh my God, do you really think Orochimaru tells me these things?! I don’t know I made up that assassination thing. I honestly have no fucking clue other than we are meeting up at a rendezvous point.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

Juugo nervously wiped his hands on his cloak, as if erasing the blood would erase the reality. “Okay, I’m going to ask one more time: what exactly is this thing?”

Sasuke sighed loudly and impatiently. “I don’t fucking know what it is, Juugo! All I know is it’s really temperamental and,” he lowered his voice. “it can HEAR you, so try not to call it a ‘thing.’”

He turned back around, having decided their discussion was finished and reached into a compartment lodged just beneath his control panel, taking out a box of tissues. “Here. Wipe yourselves off. We’re stopping here for the night. I’ll call Kabuto to see if we can get some more information on our…guest.”

Suigetsu grimaced. “Why the hell do you have a box of tissues in your travel compartment?”

“It doesn’t hurt to be prepared.”

The next few moments were silent except for the sounds of gagging and crumpling tissues. “Wait a minute,” Suigetsu started, dampening his skin as he slid the tissue across his arm. “Don’t tell me you and that Uzumaki have like, playtime in here. And that ‘s why you have tissues. And probably some other weird shit locked up in there.”

Karin hit him on the head. “Don’t be rude…and presumptuous. And rude!”

Juugo looked at their driver and quirked his eyebrow. The Uchiha simply stared back and shrugged, wiping away the remainder of the now dry blood staining his skin. “No use lying about it, I guess.”

“DIS-GUST-ING”

\--

That evening, Taka sat in their motel room, quietly eating takeout and dreading the next day’s voyage. 

Juugo was the first to break the silence. “Is it too late to, uhm..you know…call this off?” 

A sharp, hollow bark of laughter escaped Suigetsu, “Did you forget who we work for!?”

Sasuke sighed. “He’s right, Juugo. We can’t go back now. We’ll have to just suck it up.” He surveyed the charts and maps in front of him, chewing on a piece of meat in consideration. “The checkpoint isn’t too far off from here. Maybe about another day, or half a day if we don’t make any stops.”

“We’re not making any stops,” said Karin, looking up at Sasuke from her bowl of rice. She was going to have nightmares from seeing Suigetsu’s blood-covered, demonic face smiling at her for WEEKS. No way was she going to support prolonging this shipment any longer than necessary.

“I agree.”

Juugo was inconsolable the rest of the night.

\--

After minimal commotion, Taka somehow made it to the checkpoint with their sanity intact and their skin covered in not a sprinkling of mysterious blood. Sasuke motioned for everyone to stay in the cab, which, Juugo had no issue following those orders. In fact, he would’ve stayed inside even if Sasuke demanded they all step out with him. 

They all watched curiously from the window as Sasuke rounded the back and unlatched the back door to release the cargo. The events to follow would be forever burned in their memories, scarring them for life and effectively petitioning Orochimaru to add a provision to all future shipments to NOT include live specimens.

So, Sasuke opened up the back of the space truck. The team felt a slight pinch and pull and then everything went pitch black, with a suffocating silence to boot. Literally. Karin had her mouth open and was straining her vocal chords in an effort to scream and yell, but it seemed like the thick air had the ability to absorb all sound into its blanket of pure nothing. Juugo turned to her, his mouth moving as if he were saying words. Suigetsu’s form began to break down as the atmosphere’s pressure began to impose on his watery body.

Sasuke was nowhere to be found.

In fact, in the actual plane of existence where our fine heroes typically resided, Sasuke could be seen carrying the box (with breathing holes) around the corner towards the front of the cab, where the windows were currently blacked out by some kind of wormhole that manifested out of nowhere.

He didn’t even notice. 

As he approached the meeting place just yards ahead, his curiously got the better of him and he peeked within one of the holes. He could see a small creature laying limp on the bottom of the box, slowly pulsating in its coma. He grimaced as he recalled the flames it had shot in all directions as he and Orochimaru and Kabuto attempted to transport it from its holding vessel and into this box. WHY they didn’t keep it in the vessel, he would never understand. Something about the initial encasing requiring an extensive hook-up to circulate the correct atmospheric pressure to keep the creature alive. 

He wasn’t understanding how putting it in a box with holes was any more effective than an actual ENCLOSEMENT created SPECIFICALLY for the this one thing, but hey, he was the driver, not the scientist.

Regardless, the thing still seemed to be alive, if its weird pulsing was any indication. He could faintly see a shadow of a figure in the darkness ahead and as he stepped closer, he brought the package out further in front of him. Honestly, this all felt a little TOO surreptitious.

“You got it?” the figure asked in a deep voice.

“Yeah.” Sasuke replied.

He saw two hands reach out, and in the fumbly exchange, Sasuke was able to replace the box in his hands with an envelope fat with money. He grinned to himself, opening it up and pocketing a sizable chunk. (What Orochimaru didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. But oh, did Orochimaru know.)

He was just about to turn away when he heard a shout. “HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!” 

Furrowing his eyebrows, he turned back halfway. “What are you talking about, it’s in there isn’t it!?”

The figure snarled. “You think I’m a fucking idiot?! I’ve got no use for this useless thing.” He threw the box on the ground. 

“—what the hell are you….” His words peetered off as he took another glance back to the space-truck, now practically leaking the deepest, blackest gas of all time, as if there was a rip in the time space continuum itself (there totally was.)

He pointed to the approaching dark smog. “You mean that?” 

\--

It all made sense on the drive home, which was completely silent as all four members relived the events that had transpired once Sasuke got out of his initial stupor of ‘literally what the fuck is that thick gaseous substance leaking out of my spacetruck?’ (Well, the other members of Taka simply relived the nightmare of floating in an oppressive, silent nth dimension, but that was neither here nor there.)

It didn’t take long to convince the other guy that Sound Shipping was NOT trying to swindle him out of his money by keeping this highly coveted biological weapon (essentially) and so the two eventually took to running a quick spacenet search on how to combat this mysterious creature (via their search hits for “gas thing that covered me in blood” they discovered that what they were up against was actually called Emigmas and were highly endangered, illegal to transport across quadrants without a license issued by the Allied Space Federation, and were nearly impossible to control.)

Eventually, thanks to a random Blahoo Answers post they found, they discovered that if they took the small creature that was previously tossed to the side out of its box, they could lure it back into its body. Turns out that fiery thing was the carrier for the Emigma the whole time, and it had escaped through the holes in the box during the trip to the rendezvous spot. Watching the black mass seep back into the pores of the small white pulsating being as Sasuke held it in his arms was upsetting, disturbing, gross, and every other comparable adjective. It was only after the fact that he wondered whether his teammates were still stuck inside that other dimension created by the Emigma. 

They weren’t, but still. He probably should’ve check first. Something Suigetsu was NOT ever going to let go of. Or Karin. Or Juugo. Because how would he have fixed THAT if they were??? They’d be forever stuck inside the carrier forever, probably.

Hey, but at least he saved them right?

After that, the guy slipped Sasuke another wad of cash, the white carrier tucked under his arm as he made to walk away. Sasuke knew he made a friend for life. (Or if he ever got into a scrape in this area, at least he had a connection to take advantage of. Not that he’d ever step foot in this slum quadrant again.)

And then Taka hightailed it out of there. 

\--

Orochimaru and Kabuto personally greeted the travel-weary team upon their arrival home. His cold smile faltered a little as he took in the deadened eyes of his most prolific team. Kabuto was unaffected.

“Welcome back,” the CEO said.

Sasuke fixed a glare at his two bosses, holding a grease-stained and dirty envelope forward for them to take. “I’m making an amendment to our contract. No live creatures. Non-negotiable.”

“But it was a success?”

“Hm.”

\--

It was weeks later (Orochimaru had relented when Karin bargained for a month-long vacation as payback for their traumatizing experiences) when the members of Taka met up because they were all bored. They all sat at a table sharing free chips and drinking alcoholic beverages to pass the time, staring at their timepieces and mobile devices, scrolling through various newsfeeds and whatnot. 

Suddenly: “Oh my God,” said Karin. She grabbed Sasuke’s arm in an attempt to brace herself, as if the news she was reading off of her screen would jump out and attack her.

“What is it?” asked Juugo.

“So, some royal family just up and disappeared from Quadrant 08 last night and everyone in the surrounding regions are in a total uproar. Apparently they think it was foul play because the royal grounds are covered ceiling to floor in blood and this other thick substance. You guys don’t think…?”

Sasuke leaned over and peered at a suspect sketch sent out to all Quadrants in the Federation. He looked really familiar, almost like—

"It was us wasn't it." Juugo stared at a fixed point on the table solemnly. 

While Taka had been involved in criminal activities earlier in their youth, they never actually achieved something of this caliber. Like, a WHOLE FAMILY was probably floating eternally in a nightmarish ether for the rest of time. And they played a hand in making that happen.

He sighed. He was going to need another month-long vacation to properly recover from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sry that i take so many liberties w this au but like
> 
> how can i not u know????


	4. lost in space or whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> taka get stranded by some suspicious means + naruto goes on a rescue mission and + everything is a mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAOOOOO im back w more space adventures, live love taka + dysfunctional super gross narusasu

It was a routine trip. After a crazy incident with a truckload of various contraband items, being pulled over by a random space-patrol, and subsequently being frisked by a Federation Agent until their HANDS fell off…well…

(Taka (well, Juugo) somehow convinced Orochimaru to give them a break and just like, “Isn’t there some standard, completely legal thing we can truck over some several lightyears away? Why do we always get stuck with the smuggling trips?!”

There was more that Juugo said, breathlessly and desperately, and Orochimaru, ever reformed from his crazed, immortality-obsessed days, sat sipping his tea and waiting out Juugo’s plea for some occupational normalcy. 

“I hear your concerns and rest assured Taka will only be taking on the lightest jobs for the next couple of cycles,” he said, his soft voice calming Juugo’s nerves but also kinda wigging him out.

A compliant Orochimaru was never a trustworthy one, but he’ll take what he can get.)

“Ahh, what are the odds we’d get this eazy-breezy shipment to Quadrant 76?! I mean, I hate that we’re going to Suna of all places, like it’s shitty and hot and dry and sand gets everywhere, but at least we can fucking relax! Also, what the fuck is sand doing in a spacestation? Kinda defeats the purpose of the whole chrome thing,” Suigetsu stretched out in the back, his feet resting across the backseat of the cab. Juugo rested his chin in his hand, leaning against the window and gazing out at the familiar scenes passing them by. This spaceway was a nostalgic one, one that they passed through often in their youth when they briefly joined the international terrorist ninja group Akatsuki. It was at the whim of Sasuke, who had free’d them all from the scientific grips of Orochimaru when he was still running the Sound Space Station which was really just a cover for his experiments in ninja eugenics and other frightening and illegal scientific hoohaa. 

They got on to so many fun and wild adventures, including but not limited to killing his brother (who he THOUGHT was a bad guy but was ACTUALLY a self-sacrificing good guy ALL ALONG), getting into a melee brawl with the five Space Kage at the time, and joining the terrorist organization Akatsuki in order to avenge his brother whom he killed in order to avenge his clan (and to top that off, he’d been coaxed into the group by ANOTHER of his relatives, who was supposed to be dead that WHOLE time. Juugo lost track after the whole Itachi ordeal, to be honest. They all did.)

Anyway.

“You know the whole sand thing is purely aesthetic right?” Karin replied, nudging up her glasses as she shot Suigetsu a ‘how dumb can you be’ look.

Now that he really thought about it, he wouldn’t really describe them as fun and wild. Nor adventures. The three of them bumbled behind Sasuke for one reason or another, unwavering and always ready to rip limbs and slice throats. 

“Yeah, but like…why? It feels so…excessive.” 

Ah yes, this spaceway did certainly bring back memories. And slowly his mind was making room for new ones, as space-truckers. Unassuming, no longer blood-thirsty, revenge-seeking, or whatever afflicted them in their youth. Although Suigetsu still is lowkey looking for all those swords or…whatever. Juugo couldn’t remember.

“Okay, right, so then why is your fucking homeland constantly shrouded in mist? Is that not excessive?”

Life was grand.

“Hmm, an interesting point except it makes no sense because mist is ATMOSPHERIC. It’s not like Konoha has leaves scattered everywhere for no fucking reason. The sand is impractical and I hate it.

“Get real. You only hate Suna because the central heating dries you out.”

Suigetsu threw his hands up. “How do people surVIVE those conditions?!”

He and the rest of the crew were forced out of their musings and conversations at the sudden sound of a cough and a stutter. A mechanical sounding cough, and a clunky sounding stutter. 

“What the fuck was that?” Sasuke peered out his window towards the back of the cab where the sounds came from. He felt the ship jerk twice and then slow into a crawl until it stopped completely. The cab was cloaked in silence as the members of Taka, just minutes ago enjoying a seemingly routine trip down a familiar spaceway, realized with sinking stomachs that they were stranded in the middle of nowhere.

\--

“Don’t you think you’re being too easy on them? Giving them this…beginniner’s trip?” Kabuto nudged his glasses up, watching Orochimaru gaze out into the infinite space through the crystal clear windows of his fishbowl office. “We’ve both gone over the numbers and giving them the more expensive and dangerous shipments is the only way to offset the damages that they will most definitely incur AND make a profit. They’re also the only ones capable of completing such dangerous tasks. Think of the bottom line! Our investors! All those contraband shipments we are delaying or turning away just to appease a team that costs us almost as much money as they bring in!” 

“Hmm….hmmhmhmhmhm,” he laughed, his mouth closed as he smirked. 

“What’s so funny?”

Orochimaru threw his head back in laughter, ignoring Kabuto completely.

\--

“OH WHAT THE FUCK!” Sasuke slammed his hand repeatedly on the wheel, gassing the pedal to no avail. He pushed a couple buttons on the dashboard until a flashing light in front of him caught his eye. “HOW THE FUCK ARE WE EMPTY?! WE LITERALLY HAVE NOT EVEN GONE 600 LIGHTYEARS!”

Karin narrowed her eyes and bent over to examine the blinking light. “This makes no sense.”

“You sure you filled up before we left, Uchiha?” piped in Suigetsu from the back. 

Juugo knit his eyebrows together and frowned. “I was the one who filled the tank before we left and everything was full. We should have a full tank and two backups.”

“Can someone…” Sasuke huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose and then, sighing in exasperation, gestured to the helmets hanging on the back of the cab. “Can someone just go out and check real quick? See if something’s up? I’ll call Kabuto in the mean time to let him know about this…development.”

Karin buried her face in her hands. “Are we truly incapable of going making a shipment without some FUCKED up thing happening? Like, we’re literally driving FRUIT to the next station over. I don’t get it.”

“I’ll go out and check. Beats sitting in here listening to this one whine and cry and yap,” Suigetsu said, making a lewd gesture behind Karin’s back. He shrugged on his spacesuit and connected the oxygen tank to his helmet, crawling down the to the exit and easing himself out. 

The spacetruck was currently sat in the middle of the spaceway, it’s hazard lights blinking to alert any oncoming traffic of its position. However there wasn’t a living being for lightyears. Taka was truly alone at this very moment, a tiny dot of life in a vast vaccuum of empty space. Suigetsu scaled the ship and briefly wondered what would happen if an asteroid or a comet came blazing by. He shook his head to clear out those thoughts because, well, what COULD they do? 

He frowned once he reached the space where the two backup tanks should have been. Should have being a key phrase because they were currently not there. His first thought was perhaps someone had forgotten to check they were installed, but Juugo had said himself that he filled up all the tanks and their back-ups. He took a closer look, creeping along the edge inbetween the cab and the cargo of the spacetruck.

Suigetsu gasped. There were very fine laser marks indicating that someone had physically removed the tanks. Who could’ve done this?

\--

Kabuto looked up upon hearing that familiar jingle and glanced down at his timepiece. Sasuke was calling.

What could he want?

Just as he was about to answer, Orochimaru broke through the silent room, his eyes still trained on the universal abyss.

“Don’t answer it.”

“Sir…?”

The corners of Orochimaru’s mouth crept up into a smile, steepling his fingers in a diabolical manner. “They’re on a simple fruit run. What could possibly have gone wrong?”

Kabuto narrowed his eyes, yet his wrist lowered. Orochimaru seemed too laid-back and carefree to NOT raise suspicion, but he’d go with anything if it meant the discomfort of that damned Uchiha.

“Do get our truck prepared though,” he called out from his post. “I have a little trip planned for us.”

\--

Sasuke slammed his hand on the wheel, a long string of curses spilling from his mouth. 

“What—what’s wrong?” asked Karin as she peered out of the window. In the distance comets and other space debris flew by. It was only a matter of time that one crossed paths with their stationary ship.

Sasuke leaned his head down onto the steering wheel in utter defeat. “They won’t pick up.”

Juugo frowned. “That sounds…irresponsible. This is an emergency.”

“Isn’t there anyone else to call?!” Karin began opening various compartments in the cab. “Where’s the insurance paperwork? Don’t we have that AAA Spaceway Assistance? Fuck, there’s gotta be something!”

“It should be—“ Sasuke cut himself off. “Wait, no. Shit. That’s in the other cab. I forgot to transfer the paperwork. We took the other truck last trip, remember? Because this one was being cleaned….fuckfuckfuck.”

“You mean we’re driving without insurance or registration or any paperwork right now?!” Juugo’s eyes widened.

“It’s my bad OK?! Can we just focus on the issue at hand right now,” Sasuke spat, panic spiking and his ego bruised. He generally had a great attention to detail, and it wasn’t like him to forget such important paperwork. But it HAD been a rough couple months with Sound. So….whatever.

“Great, so now we can’t even call any authorities to help.”

“Not that we’d want to. It’s automatic probation if we get authorities involved.”

“Which is why we have to call HQ when we have a problem. Except, you know, they WON’T FUCKING ANSWER,” Sasuke yelled to no one in particular.

“Isn’t there anyone else we can call?”

Karin swiped through her contacts list, mentally determining whether a particular person was trustworthy enough to come help them without getting them into trouble. 

“Nobody on here is available,” she said, her face falling as she scrolled up and down the list. “Wait! Wait I think I have someone—“

Her face fell even further when she saw the name of the only person with a little ‘available’ icon turned on.

Juugo peered over her shoulder. “Naruto?”

Sasuke turned his head at the mention of the name and grimaced. “There’s no way we’re calling that idiot to come help us.”

“Okay, well, if you have a better idea, we have literally all day,” said Karin, giving him a tight smile.

“She’s right, Sasuke. We don’t really have much choice.”

Just as Sasuke was about to reply, Suigetsu came bursting back into the cab. He swiped his helmet off and tucked it under his arm, ambling up the small ladder. 

“Sabotage,” he stated. 

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean, sabotage?”

“The backup tanks are completely gone. Like, lasered off. They didn’t fall off or anything, it’s too clean of a job.”

Karin narrowed her eyes. “Who would do that?”

And it was then that Juugo had flashbacks to his conversation with Orochimaru, desperately imploring the CEO to give them an easy job and how easy it was to convince him of his argument. 

\--

Naruto woke with a start, glancing down in brief confusion at the papers and tablets littering his administrative desk in the Hokage’s office. He was currently in sabbatical, learning the ins and outs of space ninja politicking in leiu of field missions. Part of him knew it was essential to ascending into the title of Hokage, but it was also boring as fuck. 

He wiped the waterfall of drool off his chin with the collar of his jacket and felt the indentations on his cheek from sleeping on an uneven surface. What had woken him up anyway?

He checked the various tablets on his desk wondering if they had beeped with any notifications. As he was about to look at this timepiece, the door creaked open, Kakashi’s head popping inside. 

“Just wondering how those budget reports are doing,” he said through his face-mask, eyes scanning the messy desk.

“Konoha is fucked,” was Naruto’s groggy response. He glanced down at his wrist. “I think Sasuke called me…..”

“Oh, did he know? So what’s all this about Konoha being fucked?”

“….70 tim—what the fuck, 70 TIMES?!”

“Naruto.” Kakashi had stepped fully into the room now, striding over to check the budget material. Maybe he had made a mistake trusting such an important task to such an insufferable dolt.

“Is he okay?! What the hell! He didn’t even leave a voicemail!?”

Kakashi picked up a spreadsheet, crusted over with ramen splatter, drool, and sake. “Naruto, about the bu—“

But the blond was no longer aware that he was sharing space with another person, let alone the current Hokage and his former teacher. “I gotta find Sasuke!” he muttered to himself. He flung his coat over his shoulder and ran out, leaving the door swinging in his wake.

“—dget…”

\--

“So, were you able to reach him!?” Karin looked worringly out the window, asteroids jettisoning across the universe in the distance. At any moment one could come hurtling in their direction and they would be able to do nothing about it.

“The idiot wasn’t answering. He’s either dead or asleep. Hopefully dead because if I find out he’s been ignoring me all this time, I’ll kill him. So…it’ll save me some energy.” Also it would be a huge bummer if it DID turn out that Naruto was ignoring him….but he’d keep that to himself. 

The group had moments before decided that Naruto was the only reliable person to call during this time of severe distress, mostly due to his undying devotion and ????relationship????? with Sasuke. Although right now the perks to that “”””relationship”””” were proving to be quite disappointing.

(“It’s not a relationship. I don’t do relationships,” Sasuke sputtered after their ‘friendship’ was brought up.

“Right okay,” Suigetsu said, rolling his eyes. “Not even gonna ask you to explain then what the fuck it is you two have because I honestly don’t wanna know.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Seems to be a running theme with you,” said Juugo, not really meaning anything harsh by his words. It was a simple observation. Sasuke felt the burn nonetheless.)

“Naruto is the only person who is most likely to drop everything to help us right now. LITERALLY our only option at this point. And he’s not answering,” Karin was going to skin her cousin alive. 

“Well, it was nice knowing you all,” Suigetsu said. He kicked back his seat and leaned back, propping his feet up on the back of Sasuke’s headrest. “Although I’d rather have gone out in a more exciting way…”

“Suigetsu, can’t you be a little more positive?” implored Juugo.

“No.”

\--

The silence of the cab was broken by a low rumble, coming and going in waves. 

“What was that?” 

It came again.

“Sasuke is that your stomach?”

And again, this time a longer rumble.

“That’s definitely your stomach.”

“You know, now that I hear his stomach grumbling, it reminds me that I’m kinda hungry as well.”

“Oi, Karin, did you bring any snacks?”

The fiery Uzumaki glared in Suigetsu’s direction. “As if I’d share with you…” her glare turned into a sulk. “Plus, this was supposed to be a quick trip, I didn’t even think to bring food.”

Sasuke groaned. “Can we not have a normal job at least once without almost dying?”

“Looks like we’re going to ACTUALLY die this time.”

“It’s important to remain optimistic during times like these, Suigetsu.”

“For once, I agree with Hozuki. This SUCKS!” 

“Aren’t we shipping food? We should eat it. We’re already gonna die.”

“Real optimistic.”

“He’s got a fair point.”

Sasuke glanced at his timepiece and grimaced as Suigetsu tunneled through the small crawl space inbetween the cab and the cargo, re-emerging several minutes later with a crates of imported fruits from Suna....that oddly...they were shipping to Suna...He absently grabbed a random Sandgerine and began peeling it, his stomach growling more now that the scents of actual sustenance reached his nose. It’d only been two hours since their truck stopped. He closed his eyes and sighed a great sigh, willing for a comet, an asteroid, a satellite…hell, even a space worm to come and end them right then and there. Get it over with and all that.

\--

“Fuck! Where the hell IS that bastard?!” Naruto muttered to himself, tapping on the wheel of the Konoha spacecraft that he may or may not have snuck out of the Hokage’s personal escort garage. He inched up a couple feet, craning his neck to see how many ships were in front of him to leave the station. Not like he was in a hurry or anything (he totally was.) “Why aren’t these people MOVING?!”

His idle leg was twitching with nerves. “Oh hell. Fuck it!” and he sharply turned to leave the line, opting to exit Konoha through the secret ANBU entrance. Fuck whatever damages he caused; he was already in debt, might as well just go for it.

He burst through the southern gates as Kakashi watched in idle horror from the security screens within the Hokage office. “Unbelievable,” he muttered to himself. He made a quick motion to his ANBU guards to clean up the Uzumaki’s mess before word got out about the damaged gateway that technically didn’t exist. He walked over the piles of paper that Naruto had scattered in his haste and pulled a thick file out of his bookshelf, opening it up to a section marked “Inheritances, Debts, and etc” and added an amount of 7,800 snerdges to Naruto’s already sizable bill for monies owed. 

Meanwhile, in the unmarked government vehicle that Naruto had technically stolen (but really it was borrowing), the blond was currently steering with his knees as he fumbled with the GPS system on his timepiece, trying to figure out the exact galactic coordinates of Sasuke. It was a little more difficult in vast reaches of space, but if he could just fine tune it just right….

“YES!!!!” And in his excitement at finding a general location, the ship swerved sharply to the left, nearly colliding with a nearby cluster of space rock. Coming down from the adrenaline of almost dying and all that, he whooped with joy into the emptiness of his ship. “Whew! I’m coming for ya Sasukeeeeeh!”

\--

It was exactly 3 hours and 45 minutes after their intial breakdown and Taka were faring miserably. Suigetsu had all but taken up refuge in his water bottle after a fight with Karin—

(“BITCH THAT’S MY WATER! MY LIFE BLOOD! I NEED THIS MORE THAN YOU!”

“I’m. THIRSTY.”

“DRINK YOUR SALIVA THEN!!!”

“Guys can we just—“

“NO! You know what?! I’m just gonna camp out in this here bottle and we’ll see how much you wanna drink it then!”))

Karin was still muttering to herself, unable to believe that Suigetsu would contaminate the only water the team had to share amongst each other by merging his body into it. 

The harsh inside lighting made Sasuke’s cheeks look drawn and withered, which only added to the aura of drama in their current predicament.

Juugo was trying to meditate, hoping that if they were to die today, he would at least die with a mind at peace. 

But he opened his eyes for a second and saw a light pulse from the distance grow larger and larger as it approached. “Guys…” he said. 

No reponse.

“Guys, look.” This time, he nudged Sasuke’s back, urging him to glance out the window. The other two quicky followed suit (well, Suigetsu half reformed in the water container.) “It’s gotta be a space rock hurtling towards us.”

“Oh God, it’s happening. Its—“ he blurbled from beneath the surface.

“Please don’t let my last moments alive be filled with your ANNOYING voice,” snapped Karin. 

Sasuke looked a little gassy, but that was only because he was currently experiencing the five stages of grief all at once, as if his psyche were on overdrive to get him to process the situation as quickly as possible so that he didn’t go out of this life crying for his mom (and Naruto.)

He quickly picked up his timepiece that he had earlier thrown down in annoyance, saw the missed calls and messages from Naruto, CURSED, and then muttered a tiny message to his idiotic blonde boyfriend (he was his boyfriend now that he was going to be dead.)

“Oh my God it’s getting closer—“ whispered Juugo.

“I don’t wanna weird anyone out, but it’s out last fucking moments so, I’ll just—I’ll just fucking say it—“ Suigetsu half materialized out his water container and looked at his peers in the cabin, all eyes on him. “I’ve had at least, AT LEAST, one sex dream about each of you an—“

Unfortunately he was unable to finished because Karin throttled him back into liquid form, capping the bottle shut to prevent him from saying anything else. “LIKE HELL THIS IS GONNA BE THE LAST THING I HEAR BEFORE I DIE!”

She swiveled her head to Sasuke and Juugo. “One of you say something to cancel out Suigetsu.”

“I uh…” Juugo was startled speechless, equal parts upset that he had once had an explicit starring role in one of Suigetsu’s dreams and also Karin was just yelling REALLY loudly. 

Sasuke rolled his eyes and peered back at the approaching light, ready to face down death with nothing but the thought of—

Wait a minute…

His single arm reache over, whacking Juugo to get his attention. “Hey, hey—is it just me or does that look like a—“ He narrowed his eyes, as if squinting would help him pick out details lightyears away. “That’s a space craft.” he finished. 

“Wait, what?”

Karin’s ears perked up and, shoving the cup filled with Suigetsu aside (“Woman you nearly toppled me over! Shit!”) she scrambled to look out the window alongside Juugo and Sasuke. “And it’s barreling right towards us?! Can they SEE us?!”

“Our hazard lights are on, right?” asked Juugo. 

Sasuke paled. “Pfft, yeah, they—yeah I turned them on...” he shuffled to the side, blocking everyone’s view as he switched on the emergency lights. “….aaaaages ago.”

He didn’t see Juugo roll his eyes as he turned his attention back to the approaching space craft…and that was probably for the best.

\--

Naruto eased on the gas, his GPS alerting that Sasuke and company were around here somewhere. He kept his eyes darting around every corner, hoping to catch some sign, some glare, really anything, of Sasuke’s presence. 

Suddenly, he saw a series of flashes up ahead. Hazard lights, signalling a craft in distress. “That’s gotta be him,” he muttered to himself, speeding up and watching the lights get closer and closer. 

\--

“We’re SAVED! We’re SAVED!!!!” cried Karin.

“It must be Naruto,” said Juugo.

“For once he’s not a complete moron,” blurbled Suigetsu.

“Hm.”

\--

Naruto’s space craft came to a smooth stop, his face colored with confusion. Why was Sasuke’s space truck embellished with a Konoha leaf? More specifically, why was Sakura peering out of he window at him in just as much confusion as he? Wasn’t she on a medical supply run with Sai?

He jumped as her hologram popped out from his dashboard. “Naruto, what the hell are you doing out here!? Are you even authorized to be flying that thing?”

“I should ask you the same thing, yanno!” Deflect the question, always worked like a charm.

“Quit being such an idiot. Seriously though, what the hell?!”

“I came looking for Sasuke!”

Behind Sakura’s form, he could hear the disembodied voice of Sai float into his cabin: “I think he’s finally gone off the deep end.”

“Naruto, Sasuke’s in Sound now. Like…for the past 3 years,” she said soothingly, in that voice Naruto hated. “Remember, you guys had that big fight after the war? He’s missing like half an arm and you have a bionic one?”

"You guys fuck sometimes too," said Sai's voice.

He put his hands to his temples because this was all becoming to be too much for him. Why wasn’t Sasuke here? Was there something off with his GPS? “No,” he said. “No, I know he is. I..I…”

"I think we broke him."

“Well, since you’re here, you might as well make yourself helpful…” 

Naruto grimaced in defeat as he parked his spacetruck and heaved on an oxygen helmet, effectively derailed from his original mission of finding Sasuke. Well THIS was gonna be an awkward conversation when he got back.

\--

Sasuke narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Why…aren’t there Leaf emblems plastered all over that truck?”

Juugo blinked. “Because that’s…not….Naruto…”

“Well then who is—Oh God,” Sasuke’s face blanched upon realizing why those trucks looked so eerily familiar. It mostly had to do with the SOUND emblem proudly displayed on the front of the incoming craft. He was 86% sure Orochimaru and Kabuto were in there. At this point he was certain this whole thing had been to teach them all some fucked up lesson, maybe to never ask for simple, easy jobs again, he wasn’t sure. 

Either way they fucked up big time. Sasuke bit his lip, glancing backwards at the stacks of empty crates piled up around Karin and the glass that held Suigetsu.

Juugo turned to Sasuke. “We are so screwed.”

\--

Taka entered Orochimaru’s office one after the other in silent defeat, their stomachs grumbling unhappily from eating one too many sandgerines, sandnanas, and sandtolopes.

“I hope you’ve all learned your lesson,” Orochimaru said to them, pursing his lips to hide the immense pleasure at the tiny prank he pulled with his most problematic team. “It seems you all are so used to the complicated orders…you can no longer handle the simple ones.”

He sighed dramatically, steepling his fingertips together.

“Well, it was a good trial. I was hoping to sprinkle in some light trips inbetween the longer ones, but…well…I am a businessman after all and that just would be no good for my wallet...and in turn yours.”

The members of Taka were all trying very hard not to run out of the office and into the nearest toilet to relieve themselves of all that dietary fiber. They barely heard a word out of Orochimaru’s mouth, except for when he finally dismissed them after the monologue of his that seemed to go on for YEARS.

It was only later that night, as they all gathered around several bottles of alcohol because seriously what a DAY, did Sasuke realize the implications during his debriefing. He choked on his drink.

It was all a set-up.

\--

Kabuto pushed up his glasses as Taka left the office. “Sir, they ate the entire shipment…”

The CEO waved his assistant’s protests off. “I’ve got a whole store of the stuff in the walk-in fridge. This haul isn’t even due for another week…”

Kabuto turned to Orochimaru as Orochimaru turned to Kabuto.

"You evil monster."

"Mmmm, so I'm told."

They both grinned.

\--

“Not ONLY did you destroy the secret entrance that only ANBU operatives use, you also STOLE a government vehicle for personal use. AND you nearly compromised Sakura and Sai—you’re LUCKY they were on a simple medical aid run. AND these BUDGETS are FUCKED!”

Naruto stared at the ceiling as Kakashi ripped him a new one, pacing around his office, slamming folders onto his desk dramatically.

“AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN FIND SASUKE!!!”

Okay, that was a little harsh—

“Well in my defense—“

“NOPE!”

“But—“

“NOOOPE!”

“Just hear me ou—“

“You’re not leaving this office until every single cent in this budget is accounted for.”

Naruto grimaced as Kakashi walked away in a swirl of robes and slammed the door shut, hearing several locks turn from the outside. He collapsed into a heap of defeat onto the floor, covering his face with the budget file.

Somehow, someway, this was all Sasuke’s fault.


	5. Space Traffic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suigetsu + sasuke bondig time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey pally pals, get ready for some more space action, this time complete w traffic! who doesnt luv that? sasuke, thats who.

For reasons not even Orochimaru could explain, Taka primarily worked as a unit, delivering contraband to the farthest reaches of space as a heavily dysfunctional, yet efficient foursome.

Rarely were they ever split up.

But...sometimes they were.

However futuristic their society was, it did not render the common folk from illness, ESPECIALLY cooped up in climate controlled space stations. 

So obviously there were times where runs had to be completed short a person. They were never awful, but the atmosphere always lacked a sort of…mood. Kabuto would argue that the trips made with less members present were always the most successful because chaos seemed to follow every single member of Taka exclusively and putting them all together in a confined space such as a space truck for varying amounts of time…

Well, just multiply that chaos factor by four and see where it gets you.

But it was that weird mix of success and disaster that Orochimaru relied on to complete his most dangerous and illegal missions – ones that no one else on his roster had the gall, the smarts, or the tenacity to bring to completion.

This time, however, was a little different. Both Karin and Juugo came down with an awful case of the current influenza, courtesy of an ill-timed and unvaccinated trip to the motherland Earth. Sasuke tsked in irritation upon hearing the news while Suigetsu whooped at his scrambled genetic make-up, rendering him practically impervious to most viruses. 

Taka had never completed a run with just two people, but Sasuke was determined to keep his sniveling partners at seven arm’s length (he was to attend a wedding as a groomsman that upcoming weekend and calling in sick would only spell certain doom courtesy of a pink-haired bridezilla) –- so two people it was gonna be.

Which leads us to the two currently occupying the front space of the truck in relative silence. Suigetsu’s feet were propped up on the dashboard, reclining back and taking in the sights of the universe laid out before him. 

Sasuke was driving, as usual, moodily shifting gears and dodging space rocks, his brows permanently furrowed.

Interacting together was usually never an issue. They shared a past history, Suigetsu having been his first recruit into his self-formed group when Sasuke was still out for his older brother’s blood. They’d ambushed a leadership summit together, joined an intergalactic terrorist organization, and raised old Hokage’s from the dead. Surely they’d done enough together to fill the silence with nostalgiac reminiscing…

((“Hey remember that time you died for like 10 minutes.”

“I should have stayed dead had I known I would end up in a fucking spacetruck with just you for company.”

“This LITERALLY never happens you melodramatic germ.”

“Really? REALLY?! Germ is the best you can come up with!!?”))

Within the first hour Sasuke was clenching the steering wheel so tightly that his hand had gone numb. Without Karin there to fight with Suigetsu and Juugo to play unwilling and mostly unsuccessful peacemaker, Sasuke was left with no defenses against easily their most grating member. 

And it’s not like Suigetsu was faring any better. He was positively bored. Pushing Karin’s buttons and watching Juugo squirm with discomfort over the two’s aggression was really his only form of entertainment. With Sasuke…he was far less receptive to his jabs and more often than not ignored him until Suigetsu just gave up.

“This sucks.”

“Hm.”

“How much longer do we have?”

Sasuke glanced at his navigator and cleared his throat: “Miri, how much longer until we reach Planet 332, Quadrant 11?”

‘You have approximately 5 hours to go from your current location.’

Suigetsu rolled his eyes. “You couldn’t just, like guesstimate?”

“What’s the point in having the function if I’m not gonna –SHIT!”

The two bounced forward as Sasuke slammed his breaks, the traffic on the spaceway having crawled to a standstill. Sasuke craned his neck, hoping he could get a glimpse of what may have caused the gridlock up ahead. 

“We are literally in space. How is traffic even a thing? I don’t get it.” Suigetsu glared at the crafts in front. He saw in the distance comets and ships blasting away into the expanse of the universe. “Like, seriously can’t you just go arou—“

“Will you just SHUT UP and—“ He was interrupted by a staticky sound emitting from his navigator, signalling an incoming message from HQ. A small hologram of Kabuto appeared inbetween Sasuke and Suigetsu. 

Hologram Kabuto coughed, pushing his glasses up (as he does): “I wanted to proactively contact you in regards to this unprecedented traffic jam on SW-66. It seems as though a catastrophic wreck has occurred about 5 lightyears ahead. There was a collision, causing a truck to spill a large concentrated mass of dark matter. We are closely monitoring the situation, however expect to be sitting in gridlock for about 6 hours as the Federation performs procedural clea—Sasuke. SASUKE WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”

Sasuke wasn’t listening. He disconnected Kabuto.

In fact, Sasuke STOPPED listening the moment Kabuto uttered the words GRIDLOCK and 6 HOURS. 

In pure Sasuke fashion, he thought absolutely nothing through before sharply turning out of his spot in traffic and into the void. And he continued on in that way, seeing red because who DOESN’T get irrationally angry waiting in a long line of backed up vehicles? Anyway, so he continued on in that seething way, speeding through the darkness, very much not listening to whatever the hell Suigetsu was screeching from the passenger seat. 

Sasuke was currently flying his ship off the established spaceway and within un-regulated space territory. It wasn’t illegal per se, but it was certainly a liability. Whatever happened off the spaceway, the federation turned a blind eye to and because GPS systems were only connected to invisible markers on the established intergalactic paths, veering off would effectively render any navigating systems to be useless. Even Miri. 

Sasuke didn’t care though. Sasuke was impatient. Sasuke was NOT going to add another 6 hours to his total travel time. Sasuke exhaled through his nose, his thoughts finally catching up to the high speed of his spacetruck and effectively slamming into the idling spacecraft. He glanced around him, reason finally huffing and puffing its way back to its rightful place in the forefront of his mind.

And Sasuke realized right then that he was…

Absolutely, undeniadiddlydoodly lost.

It wasn’t until he stopped dead in the middle of nowhere that the sounds of his only companion filtered into his ears. 

“You are the most UNHINGED, CRAZED asshole I’ve EVER MET! WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?! This is NOT what I meant when I said GO AROUND. I MEANT LITERALLY GO AROUND NOT BLAST OFF INTO A PSYCHOTIC TANGENT INTO THE FUCKING ABYSS AT TOP SPEED YOU SHITHEAD!”

Sasuke slammed his hand on the steering wheel, cursing his short fuse and horrible decision making skills. “I didn’t BLAST OFF,” he countered, unable to defend all of the other accusations Suigetsu threw at him because, well, they were technically true. But blast off? Come on. What was this, a cartoon? 

(But actually…he did totally blast off.)

((In fact the tiny spacecraft in front of him was completely blown off the spaceway from the mere force of Sasuke’s split-decision, creating yet ANOTHER accident to clean-up. 

“You just HAD to get a space-sedan, FRANK!” 

“Now’s not the TIME, MARTHA.” ))

“Not only am I stuck on this god-forsaken trip with just you for company, but now we are in the middle of fucking NOWHERE and did I mention, I just have YOU for company! And I thought I was gonna fucking throw myself out the window back then!”

Sasuke leveled his best glare at the other man. “As if I’m enjoying any second of this. It’d be my pleasure if you actually DID throw yourself out. I’d appreciate the sacrifice. Go FUCK yourself.”

Suddenly, Suigetsu lunged at Sasuke, having had enough of the entire situation. Soon, the two were awkardly grappling over the middle console that divided the two front seats. While both were well versed in classic fighting styles, the passionate animosity between the two devolved the sparring to nothing more than angry slaps and punches, both with their faces turned away (Sasuke to protect his pretty mug and Suigetsu to protect his teeth – he’d already maxed out his dental insurance for that year.)

\--

Back at the Sound Shipping infirmary (which was really a loose redesign of Orochimaru’s old medical laboratories—YIKES) Karin and Juugo shivered in their respective side-by-side beds. 

She sat up weakly, sipping electrolyte-infused water from a straw. “How do you think Sasuke and Suigetsu are doing?”

Juugo pulled his blanket up to his head, his body aching with the fever. “Ideally still amongst the living. That’s all we can really ask.”

She closed her eyes, leaning back down slowly. “God, you’re right. If they are dead…hopefully I’m somewhere in Sasuke’s will.”

Juugo coughed. “If any Uzumaki ends up in his will…I don’t think it’s gonna be you.” 

Karin turned, glaring weakly at the larger man. “Fuck you.”

\--

The two stranded men were out of breath, both on their respective sides. Sasuke swiped at his swollen lip, holding his hand up to his eyes to examine the blood. 

Suigetsu was featureless, his body gelling into something halfway between man and water. Somehow, his vocal chords still worked. He glared at his partner. “You fucked this one up, Sasuke. Admit it!”

“Maybe if we didn’t stop for that BREAK we would’ve missed the goddamn traffic! You’re literally made of WATER like what the hell do you even use the bathroom?!”

“HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?! OH MY GOD.”

Sasuke hardened his glare. He was totally guilty, but he’d never admit it. Even though he like went through that whole ‘travels space to see everything through new eyes blablabla’ after the Fourth War or whatever…he was still petty as hell.

And he HATED admitting his wrongs.

Take Naruto for example: he almost murdered his best friend when they were like, 12. Naruto doesn’t need an apology really, he’s pretty much over it. But at the same time wouldn’t really turn away at least some kind of acknowledgement of the wrongdoing. One time he tried to hedge the subject and was met with the most masterful deflection he had ever witnessed.

((“Hey you know what’s weird? Like sometimes when I move my arm, it kinda aches at this one spot like…I’m pretty sure it’s that same spot that you drove your arm through way back when?”

“Naruto, should I buy these hotpants?”))

He obviously couldn’t seduce his way out of this one. He glanced behind his shoulder and into the abyss. Maybe he could make a run for it? No, he’d absolutely die and if ANYONE was going to die in this situation it BETTER be Suigetsu. 

He narrowed his eyes…and he puzzled.

Suigetsu suddenly felt exposed. Scrunching up his nose, he crossed his arms. “And what the hell are you looking at?”

“I’m trying to THINK!”

“Well it’s a little too late for that now isn’t i—OW!”

Sasuke didn’t let him finish his sentence as he flung a half empty drink in Suigetsu’s face.

\--

“Orochimaru-sama, he actually…he ACTUALLY lef the spaceway! HOW are we supposed to keep track of them? They’re completely off the grid!”

Kabuto was close to tearing his hair out. He was panicking, clearly, and Orochimaru simply did Not Have The Time.

The CEO rolled his chair over to Kabuto’s desk, keeping his hands at a tense steeple. He stared at the monitor, the little blip representing Taka’s truck frozen in between the spaceway and the deadzone outside of it. He tapped the screen a couple times and sighed. “What are they transporting?” he asked.

There was a quick shuffling of papers before: “It looks like they’re delivering some kind of egg to Planet 332…” Kabuto frowned, peering closer at the paperwork. “This isn’t even a covert mission either! Literally anybody could’ve done this. Why the hell was Taka put on this—wait a minute. This isn’t even FOR Taka. This is for Takashi…but the last part of his name is just smudged…” 

Before Orochimaru could get a word in, a knock sounded at the door. “You may enter,” he bit out. This whole situation was getting worse the more they dug.

Speak of the devil, the door opened to reveal Takashi, a stocky human whose brow was furrowed in frustration. “Excuse my intrustion Orochimaru-sama, but I believe one of my jobs was mistakenly—“

“We were just made aware. Unforunately, one of our ‘problem’ teams made the error and have currently run into some…technical difficulties.”

“Uhm?”

Kabuto sucked his teeth, imagining all the ways he was going to dock Sasuke and Suigetsu’s pays when and if they got back: “There was traffic and Sasuke Uchiha had a meltdown. Left the spaceway and essentially the grid.”

Orochimaru cleared his throat and threw a lock of hair over his shoulder. “There are other ways to track them. If they didn’t have such a state of the art truck, I’d just leave them to perish.”

“What about the shipment?”

“Oh Takashi-kun, that’s a non-issue. You’ll be making the delivery. Be ready to leave tomorrow morning. I trust there will be no snags with you?” 

Takashi nodded once, giving a short short bow and quickly turned to leave. He was so fucking confused. Who was Sasuke and why did his bosses seem to hate him so much?!

As soon as the door clicked shut, Orochimaru swept himself up onto his feet and made his way to a large bureau in the corner. Inside was a large computer, with cords running out and into the floor. He scanned the side until he found a switch labeled “Sasuke’s Secret Curse Seal” and flipped it on.

\--

“OW!” Sasuke’s one arm shot up instinctively to clutch the back of his head, having felt a sudden sharp sting. The sting dulled down to a light throb, but it was still noticable and left Sasuke on edge. He frowned at Suigetsu, who had lowered his fists (they were in the middle of yet another fight). “I think I got bit by a spider,” whispered Sasuke, the tomoe of his activated Sharingan spinning at a stressful pace. 

Clutching the back of his head, he glanced around carefully, leaving no space of the truck unchecked. Suigetsu looked around too, suddenly all too aware of his exposed skin.

“How the FUCK did a spider get in here?!”

“I don’t know but I just felt like this pain like a spider bite on my head…”

“Well maybe it’s stuck in your hair.”

Sasuke scowled. “Don’t even JOKE about that.” And after a couple minutes of silence, beckoned Suigetsu forward. “Check real quick though.”

Rolling his eyes, Suigetsu scooted towards Sasuke, reaching out to part the hair on the back of Sasuke’s head. What he found made him gasp in horror, and it wasn’t a spider.

No, it was a hidden seal, no doubt put in place by Orochimaru sometime after Sasuke joined Sound Shipping. The seal was clearly activated, a glowing thing, which only served to explain the pain he had felt earlier.

But obviously Suigetsu breathed not a word of this, still in awe that somehow their CEO was able to place a seal on Sasuke’s HEAD without him knowing. So Sasuke obviously took the gasp as ‘he found the spider,’ and understandably starting freaking out. He was never really afraid of spiders until Juugo smuggled in those goddamned space lychees and they BRED. EVERYWHERE.

“Getitoutgetitoutgetitoutgetitout—“ he rambled off, frozen in his seat, not wanting to disturb what he was SURE was some kind of horrible space arachnid.

Suigetsu snapped away from his thoughts, having gotten lost in trying to figure out just HOW Orochimaru pulled this off. He absently clutched his own head, wondering if he had a seal as well.

(He totally did, not on his head though.)

“Dude, it’s not a spider. Calm the fuck down. It’s like...don’t freak out or anything, but it’s definitely a seal. It’s been activated somehow, that’s why you felt a sting.”

“A SEAL?!” Sasuke’s eyes widened. If anything, that made him even less calm and regardless of what Suigetsu said, he was totally freaking out.

But in a dignified way.

Well…specifically in a “Sasuke Uchiha’s loose interpretation of dignified” way.

As in currently, he was slamming his palm against the steering wheel because how else would he react upon finding out Orochimaru had implanted a seal into his skin? AGAIN?!

“Wait! Does that mean he knows where we are?!” Sasuke paused mid-tantrum, looking off to the side in thought. He was still pissed, but open to seeing the silver lining. “If the seal is activated, and his chakra is tied to it, that must mean he knows where we are.”

Suigetsu crossed his arms, flopping back in his chair. “Well considering you ran us off the spaceway and into uncharted territories, I’m assuming he activated it on purpose. That psycho never does anything by accident.”

\--

“Oh shit, Kabuto can you help me reach behind this machine? I think I accidentally switched one of my portals on. Not sure which one, but by the looks of it, it might be the war-torn 7th dimension. Luckily these are still just one way doors, otherwise we’d have a lot of clean-up on our hands.”

“Certainly, Orochimaru-sama, allow me a peek.”

\--

At the Hokage’s offices, Kakashi idly scratched at his nose while glancing through some mission reports. He was just turning a page when he heard a shuffle in the corner. 

His eyes widened as he saw the space before him rip open to reveal an incredibly bizarre and violent landscape within. It appeared as though some kind of war was occurring as he saw unidentifiable creatures running about, explosions, and other nasty things. None of them seemed to be aware of Kakashi sitting there, watching this all unfold.

He coughed awkwardly, setting his eyes back onto his work, drowning out the sounds of agony. 

\--

It was about 5 hours later, after a mishap with faulty wiring at Orochimaru’s secret motherboard, that the CEO was able to open a portal from his office to Sasuke and Suigetsu. 

((“We would’ve been there by now if we just stayed in traffic,” seethed Suigetsu.

“Oh shut the FUCK up. As if you’d have done any differently.”))  
Both men gingerly stepped through the portal, tousled and disturbed and angry. All that time spent bickering in the unknown of space could do a solid number on a guy. 

Sasuke couldn’t wait to get back to his quarters so he could call Naruto and spend the next hour complaining.

Kabuto breathed in, hoping to remain calm, as he watched the two step in front of Orochimaru’s desk. He counted to 10 and breathed out. Focus on breathing. Focus.

Orochimaru steepled his hands in front of him, as evil bosses tended to do, and looked at his two least favs in a mix of pity and irritation. He sighed.

“I’m very disappointed in your illiteracy.”

“ILLiterate!” Kabuto piped in the background, like some kind of unnecessary hype man.

“You completely totaled the space sedan in front of you.”

“TO-TALLED.”

“It wasn’t even your assignment.”

“TAKASHI’S!”

“You’re on probation – no days off until I’m satisfied with your ability to do your job without running my company into the ground.”

Sasuke sputtered. But he had a wedding to attend! “But I have a weddi-“

“UNTIL I am satisfied. Is that clear?”

Suigetsu snickered as Sasuke’s pale skin turned even paler. There was no way Sakura was going to give him a pass on this. He glanced back, half hoping the portal was still open so he could make a run for it. 

It wasn’t.

“Clear,” he sighed. But in that moment, he was already plotting.

Besides, he was sure he could secure a job that was in the general vicinity of the ceremony......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that ending is hella rushed but this story didnt wanna end and im a lazy writer ....ON with the next


End file.
